Monday, October 20, 2008

I AM Saying She’s a Gold-Digger.

queens money dress 177x300 I AM Saying Shes a Gold Digger.

I know I havent posted in a while. Launching the new HGM and my disgust at the McCain campaign has taken up all of my brain space for the past month.  But I’m back and Ive got a lot on my mind, so let the shit-talkin begin.

 

I’m not sure how we have come to this point as a society but somehow we have managed to stress independence and self-reliance to women while simultaneously celebrating the art of gold-digging. 

In an age where women have more opportunities than ever, why is there such a focus on getting a man’s money?  As I (barely) sat thru an episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, I get so angry at these women proclaiming themselves so successful and fabulous when all they really have are: wealthy mates.  One woman in the midst of a divorce from a professional football player proclaimed that she was hoping for a good settlement, in the seven figure range.  She wanted her kids to continue in the lifestyle they had become accustomed to.  I wanted to say, well when YOU get a career where you make ten million dollars a year, then you can.  Im singling out this show but I hear this type of talk all the time.

Where does this sense of entitlement come from?  You came into a relationship with nothing and when you leave you’re suddenly the Queen of fucking England?  Its sickening.   Where do women get the sense that they are OWED anything?  I am a firm believer that everyone should leave a relationship with what they came in with.  Now, sure there are situations where someone puts a lucrative career on the shelf to raise kids and in that situation certainly its fair that the woman is entitled to some assistance getting back on her feet.  I’m also not talking about women who have contributed significantly to the success of her husband’s business practice.  (And by contribution, I mean something relevant to his business, not sleeping with him, washing clothes or shit you would have done with a broke man too).  But im talking about the majority of relationships where a woman happens to be involved with a man who is economically better off than she is.  Why is your role as wife and/or mother a reason for you to hit the lottery upon the dissolution of the marriage?  Every other week you read about some other woman’s over-the-top child support or alimony demands.    I think its pretty outrageous and sad.

I don’t mean to sound so angry but it really maddens me to see women who are perfectly capable human beings make it their mission in life to take what someone else has worked hard for.   If they spent as much time and energy improving themselves as they do trying to stick men for their paper, maybe they wouldn’t have to go through life petty and begging.  I hate to see anyone living life waiting for a check.

Another thing, what’s this “keeping the rings” bullshit?  I heard two stories this weekend about women refusing to return their wedding/engagement rings in favor of “cashing that bitch in.”  The rings are a symbol of a marriage,  they’re not a random gift.  The marriage is over, give that shit back and keep it moving.  Maybe its just me, but keeping rings is so ghetto.    

  And whats fascinating is that women often brag about this.  They are so proud of themselves for having gotten just as much money as they possibly could out of somebody.  They are just beaming when they speak of how much they got in that divorce settlement or how much they sold their rings for.  They don’t care what they put their kids through, they just want that cash.  Its so pathetic and small.  They don’t realize how poorly it reflects on their character.  They don’t seem to realize that it diminishes them.   There is nothing attractive about “coming up” on the back of someone else.  What are they teaching their daughters about self-reliance?

Women use the power, often given to them by the court system, to get all they can from men, but what they don’t understand is there is power in independence.  There is power in self-reliance.  Of course men should support their children, Im not talking about those situations.  I’m talking about women who view men as opportunities to “get theirs.”  A truly powerful woman walks away from a relationship waving goodbye, not holding her hand out.  A truly powerful woman thinks about what’s in the best interest of her children and makes sure they are taken care of first.  A truly powerful woman knows that the world owes her nothing for simply being born a female.  She knows that the best rewards are for things you’ve worked hard for and can call your own.  She knows to teach her children that you never have to beg for anything and that entitlement is earned.

I cant let men off the hook completely because, lets face it, you chose these heifers.  Sure, sometimes there is a bait and switch, but generally men, if you look back real close, didn’t you kinda know there was something tricky about this woman?  Didn’t you have some moments when the relationship spidey sense went off?  But she was so beautiful, or she cooked so well or you all had kids already so what the hell.   We all must take responsibility for our choices so know that when you choose your partner poorly, the consequences can be disastrous.

In this age of women making enormous strides in education and professionally, please know that you don’t need to take somebody else’s shit.  You are perfectly capable of creating it for yourself and trust me, it feels so much better that way.  A rich husband doesn’t make you successful, success does.  So even though gold-digging is glamorized in music, movies and the Housewives shows (the white ones too), please know that it will never get a high five or a “you go girl” from me.

Peace people.

jam donaldson

 

256 Responses to “I AM Saying She’s a Gold-Digger.”

  1. SpinsterNo Gravatar on 20 Oct 2008 at 7:19 pm #

    It’ll be interesting to see the responses. And welcome back, by the way.

    I knew there was a good reason why I didn’t watch any of the Real Housewives series. Thanks for validating my thoughts about it. (I’m surprised that you were able to sit through even 5 minutes of that shit. But maybe I’ll watch an episode and blog about it, who knows. Only 1 though; I know I couldn’t sit through more than 1.)

    I believe that men ought to support their children. I also don’t think they should complain when their ex-partner sticks ‘em for their paper. Like you said, they chose to be in the situation and more than likely, their penis guided their actions instead of their “spidey sense”, as you called it. So there is only but so much sympathy that the men will get.

    However, I agree with the basic premise of your entry. I know a couple women who are like that and they don’t realize how shallow it sounds or looks. Luckily, most of my lady friends are not like that; therefore, I don’t generalize all women as being gold diggers.

  2. Jam DonaldsonNo Gravatar on 20 Oct 2008 at 7:23 pm #

    i certainly don’t mean to imply ALL women are like that. But the ones who are suck.

  3. SpinsterNo Gravatar on 20 Oct 2008 at 9:03 pm #

    I understand. I didn’t mean to imply that that’s what you were saying.

  4. jewelryrockstarNo Gravatar on 21 Oct 2008 at 9:30 am #

    I agree with your assessment of Housewives of Atlanta. One of the wives says “I always knew I was destined for greatness.” I’ve been waiting to see what greatness she’s talking about because she’s not doing a great job correcting her son.

    On the other hand, marriage is a bond that two people share. In it, they discuss their image, their investments, their money, and other things related to monetary gain. Each contributes to the building of the family income even if only one has the title “earner.” Some of the women you may see as gold diggers are lashing out because of being severely hurt and disrespected. I think your statements are too blanketed. Most women deserve an equal share of the household income even if you see what they are doing as just washing clothes and cooking.

    You don’t sound any better than the “seven figures” chick. She seems very superficial and shallow, and so do you. You are both viewing marriage as being all about his money and his worth. A woman who stays at home has just as much value as a man who works. There is no such thing as leaving a relationship with what you came with because when you join together it becomes a different entity that produces its own wealth.

    jewelryrockstar’s last blog post..Homage to my Libra Ladies

  5. jam donaldsonNo Gravatar on 21 Oct 2008 at 9:47 am #

    well, i made a very specific exception for women who stay home to raise children. I do believe they work hard, sacrifice a lot and should be compensated adequately. But even then, divorce should not be the lottery. Particularly in marriages that last less than five years.

    And I absolutely agree that women often use divorce settlements as a way to lash out, but my whole point is doing that really only diminishes you and your worth. Living well is the best revenge.

    One last thing about Housewives — because there’s just so much material — one woman is hiring a personal chef, governess, nanny and housekeepers. So when she is basically outsourcing all the typical duties of stay at home mom, in the event of a divorce, can she really argue that she brought all this value to the relationship?

  6. SpinsterNo Gravatar on 21 Oct 2008 at 10:50 am #

    Jam pretty much responded to you, jewelryrockstar, the way I would’ve liked to respond to you. I never said any of the things that you mentioned in your comment. *shrugs*

  7. JoahNo Gravatar on 21 Oct 2008 at 11:58 am #

    WOW! Jam, you did it again. My girl and I were literally just talking about prenups and I was trying to make the case that prenups are a way to prevent money from getting in the way of a marriage before it gets started, but you said something similar but in a much more real and poignant way, which is that if you come into the relationship thinking you’re an independent person (i.e. career, money, etc.) then you should leave as one too.

    Joah’s last blog post..Calling BS on Colin Powell

  8. JoahNo Gravatar on 21 Oct 2008 at 11:58 am #

    WOW! Jam, you did it again. My girl and I were literally just talking about prenups and I was trying to make the case that prenups are a way to prevent money from getting in the way of a marriage before it gets started, but you said something similar but in a much more real and poignant way, which is that if you come into the relationship thinking you’re an independent person (i.e. career, money, etc.) then you should leave as one too.

  9. QueshaNo Gravatar on 21 Oct 2008 at 12:25 pm #

    i completely agree. i get so tired of triflin people in general. the ones that want to do absolutely nothing and get compensated for it. chicks that marry for love and honestly want to be a housewife and run the household id one thing. but the triflin ass women that marry and have babies just for the the security of their husband’s money. i can’t stand them. they are right up there with groupies that get pregnant to trap a man.

    all educated, independent hard-working women should hate triflin women. becuz people do start to lump us together. i am not triflin. i work hard. and when i get married, i expect to bring as much to my marriage as my husband does. it is called reciprocity. i think that if we go back to the days that men were expected to take care of us, it will set us back so much. here we are crying for equal pay in the corporate world, yet we have women trying to get paid just from marrying the right man. i think that that is effed up. go to school. get your own. and come to a relationship equally yoked. otherwise you breeding kids with entitlement issues.

  10. nicoleNo Gravatar on 21 Oct 2008 at 1:14 pm #

    Welcome back Jam. I particularly agree with your statement about the responsibility of both the men and women in these relationships. There are men who believe their wallet is the best/only way to get a woman and then lament that all women are gold-diggers. And there are women who pursue moneyed men by any means and then wonder why he treats her like she’s expendable. Both have issues when it comes to love and money; “like attracts like”.

  11. YeahMeBtchNo Gravatar on 21 Oct 2008 at 1:24 pm #

    I totally agree.

    Men should stop being so damn superficial and find a woman with something other than T&A and women should stop investing in the T&A and invest in their future. Then maybe, just maybe our community as a whole can grow up and past this “get mine and take yours” mentality.

  12. LaShawn on 21 Oct 2008 at 1:34 pm #

    how are any of these “real housewives” any different from video girls and how does their reality series turn into a generalization about all women?

    “somehow we have managed to stress independence and self-reliance to women while simultaneously celebrating the art of gold-digging.”

    Haven’t these women and/or video girls simply learned from the “pros” like Anna Nicole?

    “In an age where women have more opportunities than ever, why is there such a focus on getting a man’s money? As I (barely) sat thru an episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, I get so angry at these women proclaiming themselves so successful and fabulous when all they really have are: wealthy mates.”

    It may be because men make more money than women and some/many/most? women are socialized to use sex to get the man, and man = money. Men are easily entertained and visually stimulated, so if she’s using his money to stay “looking good” and “keep the house clean” does she “deserve” that money when they divorce? maybe, maybe not.

    “maintaining a lavish lifestyle” for the kids, post-divorce… it may not make sense to most of us, but if we’re in their shoes… what are they supposed to do? Add insult to injury? Get divorced, become a single mom, AND be reminded that you have no education and are broke and won’t ever make nearly as much money that your now-ex-husband will spend to attract the next female?

  13. nicoleNo Gravatar on 21 Oct 2008 at 1:56 pm #

    Don’t mean to speak for you Jam, and correct me if I’m wrong.

    I don’t think Jam is generalizing to all women. She sounds frustrated with the “sisters are doing it for themselves” veneer painted on shows like Real Housewives. With the real opportunities women have in education and business now, do we really need TV shows about women who “empower” themselves by primping (not a typo) their way to divorce riches?

  14. Mr. ShabazzNo Gravatar on 21 Oct 2008 at 4:10 pm #

    Thank you,

    I have have been making this same point to people I know for years. Most of the time I get a blank stare or attitude when I make this point.

  15. LoveniaNo Gravatar on 21 Oct 2008 at 4:31 pm #

    I totally agree! This was an awesome post. You are so right, and I think that golddigging mentality often times undermines the progress of independant, self-reliant women. And I’m glad you didn’t leave out the men, cause you are right, a LOT of times, these know what they’re getting, and then will complain to everyone who’ll listen about this golddigging woman that was making it so easy for him to get into the marriage, that he should have stopped to think – why?

    Lovenia’s last blog post..I WILL SCREAM IF….

  16. KimNo Gravatar on 21 Oct 2008 at 7:40 pm #

    I agree with the blog. I enjoyed where you talked about how a true woman can say goodbye to a relationship and not looking for a handout. I was that woman and it angers me to see my sistas who are so young and beautiful stoop so low at times. My mother raised me to earn what you buy and don’t ever depend on no man. She was married to my father and he was a good provider, but she got out and worked everyday just like the next woman. When my father passed, my mother worked two jobs and made ends meet. I even got out worked a parttime job to help out. Women have to start doing it for themselves because life can through you a curveball at any time.

  17. jewelryrockstarNo Gravatar on 21 Oct 2008 at 11:04 pm #

    @spinster wha??? None of what said was in response to your comment.

    jewelryrockstar’s last blog post..Homage to my Libra Ladies

  18. Jefferson Sergeant on 21 Oct 2008 at 11:11 pm #

    I agree with Jam completely!

    Look, I am living a blessed life. My GreenDot Debit card is always filled to the maximum, I have a club card at BOTH BJ’s AND Costco; and my car is less than 20 yrs old!

    I just wish women would stop seeing the dollar signs and just LOVE ME FOR ME DAMNIT!!!

  19. SpinsterNo Gravatar on 21 Oct 2008 at 11:15 pm #

    jewelryrockstar, my fault. When you said “both” (“You are both viewing marriage as being all about his money and his worth.”), I thought you were referring to both me and Jam Donaldson. I wasn’t trying to be rude or anything.

    Again, my fault.

  20. its like this... on 22 Oct 2008 at 9:29 am #

    the longer a woman stays married the harder it is for her to find someone if she gets divorced, unlike the man. my husband is a surgeon, were happily married with 4 beautiful kids but i swear, if he divorced me id get the biggest alimony i could from him. i gave up a promising career to stay at home and be wife and mom, because i couldnt work the way my job needed and still maintain a relationship and give the kids my all. we both decided that way. i could make that decision because my husband set himself up as the breadwinner. he’s only going to get more richer while the longer i stay the way i am the harder it will be for me to get back into medicine. i made that decision for the sake of the relationship and marriage. because of the security of marriage as well as my marriage to my husband in particular.

    i could have married a broke good looking fun man but i went for reliable, dependable rich man. for the security – so one way or the other he better give it to me. the age i am with the baggage i have, even getting a broke man would be difficult then. and my kids are used to living well, if we divorced, why should they suffer for that.

  21. jam donaldsonNo Gravatar on 22 Oct 2008 at 9:51 am #

    To Its Like This, now YOU’RE the type of woman who i believe should be well taken care of. As I mentioned in the post, there are women who give up promising careers for the marriage and children and devote their lives to their families. I believe those women are worth their weight in gold and should be well taken care of. Like you said, its not fair to give up your life and earning potential for your family and then get left for a younger woman and end up with nothing. But thats a very specific situation.

    Im talking about the women who get in a marriage, pop out a couple of babies and are out in four years. And looking for a big check.

  22. its like this... on 22 Oct 2008 at 9:57 am #

    and this is an age old thing.

    some of the husbands of these golddiggers only knew theyd get them becasue they had money. they might not have the looks or the personality but because they are wealthy they aim higher than an ordinary man would and they pitch themselves as ‘you might not be in love with me, but i will look after you’. it might be explicit, or implicit, but i bet alot of times its there.

    i chose security over love and excitment, but my husband pursued me and yeah he wowed me and i realised that love might not be all there is to life. he could have got a girlfriend to do all those things i do for him, including raising his children, cause some women are like that, but he wanted the security of marriage to me too. what do you say then for marriages like that? theyve been going on since forever. again, i love him and he loves me, but marriage isnt about love its also about trust. when that trust gets broken it leaves the woman, most if not all the time, alot worse off than the man. theres alot less men who’ll take on a woman with kids than women who’ll take on a man with kids. and men as they get older only get more distingished but women just get older.

    im not a golddigger but i’ll be honest and say i wouldnt have married my husband if he was a janitor rather than a surgeon. that was the thing that set him apart, like some men have a sense of homour, gorgeous looks, he would have been just too boring a man otherwise. im not constantly sighing, looking off into the distance wondering about who i could have met otherwise, iv got my kids and my husband, but if he divorced me id get bitter about how i gave up so much when i married him.

  23. its like this... on 22 Oct 2008 at 10:05 am #

    and theres the other thing that the pool of black men you can marry gets smaller the more you earn and the higher educated, and i guess it went to my head that my husband could have chased after a white woman but wanted me. for that, ithought ‘let me concentrate on him and the kids’ and he wanted me to concentrate on him and the kids too. the life and times being the way it is, and hte way the most unassuming men seem to be cheating on their wives, i do think to myself ‘maybe i shouldnt have put all my eggs in one basket.’

  24. JaBeNo Gravatar on 22 Oct 2008 at 10:42 am #

    Hey Jam,
    Glad to see you’re back in the swing of things. I couldn’t agree with you more and wish that women (as well as men) would think more about the examples they set for the children watching, waiting to emulate what they see. As for housewifes of Atlanta, I can’t devote my weary braincells to watch that crap. I will admit to watching the show the Somebodies~funny stuff! It gives me a much needed break from AC360.

  25. jam donaldsonNo Gravatar on 22 Oct 2008 at 11:07 am #

    I’m more of a Situation Room girl myself. :-)

  26. doriNo Gravatar on 22 Oct 2008 at 1:45 pm #

    This sense of entitlement is running this country into the ground. I’m a firm believer for working hard and being independent. BUT, some men, not all, want that type of woman.
    *The over the top, ghetto-fab woman with dollar signs in her eyes. A superficial attitude is NOT hard to detect in people. The women are so transparent, how could they (men) NOT know.
    (The same goes for the men, I’m positive they flaunted the fact they have huge bank accounts to ‘get’ the girl.)

  27. AntoinetteNo Gravatar on 22 Oct 2008 at 3:47 pm #

    Welcome back! I’ve missed you terribly…The thing that burns me up the most about it is that once a man’s been though the ringer with a gold-digger, it makes it that much harder for the next woman who’s with that man.I also watched that episode and was totally pissed that while I’m working, hustling and doing everything but selling oranges on the side of the freeway to pay my own bills and take care of my kids and just wishing i could find a decent, hardworking man to match my grind and share the benefits of pulling together- these chicks are totally taking advantage of their good fortune in finding a man that’s willing to provide for his children even though the marriage/relationship is over…not all of us are that lucky. I say take care of the kids and if you need some help with college tuition or whatever- be honest enough with the guy to say you need help getting your earning game up and then cut him loose. He’s your ex- not your dad.

  28. phnxrisngNo Gravatar on 23 Oct 2008 at 4:47 pm #

    I KNEW that show would be trife! You get a high five from ME! Awesome, sad but true post.

    Peace

  29. missthang on 24 Oct 2008 at 12:03 pm #

    To compare marriage to a reality show is just a bit trifling. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married to a man. Whether it was six months, two years, or twenty years, marriage is marriage. When two people get married, the specific details of who will be the contributors are usually discussed. Whether the husband and wife decided the wife will stay at home and raise kids while he goes out and work a six figure income job, to include giving him sex, cooking and washing his clothes. Is just as valuable as if she worked or contributed to his business monetarily. There are many reasons why marriages end in ugly divorces and unfortunately the men are usually left with the burden of the paying alimony and child support. But that’s a different blog. The point is, marriage is about two people becoming one, regardless of what brought them together; money, great sex, but hopefully it was love. The reality is, when a woman wants to take a man to court for half, it’s quite possibly a precursor action of hurt, pain, anger…..hell maybe the man was cheating on her continuously, beating her up, or not fulfilling some aspect of his role as a husband, which carried on a domino effect, with the end result of her wanting what she feels is rightfully hers. We are all in the age of women’s independence and self reliance and yes, it feels good to come into any relationship with your own. But, to call women “gold-diggers” because they were married to a man for less than 5 years, gave him a child or two and receive child support and/or alimony is trifling. And to compare marriage to a reality show is double trifling. Marriage is about oneness, regardless of the number of years they were one and when it ends, it should be distributed equitably. And yes, she should keep the ring and have the freedom to do what she wants to do with it. The ring was given as a gift. It’s ghetto for the man to even think about wanting the ring back.

  30. dark matter on 26 Oct 2008 at 5:37 am #

    As a brotha who has been through something like this…i find this post and the comments interesting indeed (thanks Jam…)

    Gold digging, no matter what the situation, is “GOLD DIGGING”. There is no justification for exploiting a situation for your financial gain…period. And please stop using the kids as the excuse for why you need my money…you know what, if you’re that concerned about the kids, leave them with me and they’ll have the same lifestyle. Now what…oh, when you examine it you realize that it ain’t about the kids, but some chicks (some) are lazy asses who want to be “supported”, even when the marriage is over. If the lifestyle comes with the dude…and you want to leave…uh, then go. But go back to what you were without the dude.

    Does a woman still have a responsibility to “take care” of the man’s needs? Or do woman just view divorce about some brotha continuing to take care of them because of X,Y&Z. Shit, them your kids too. Are you still coming to my house washing my draws…then why the hell am I still paying your mortgage? I’m still providing but you’re not still nurturing? Seems a bit one sided to me…

    And to those who say that a man should know better, T&A, thinking with your penis…etc…what does any of this have to do with someone who is gold diggin…because your spidey senses were down, for whatever reason, this makes this ok? Common, that’s like saying a woman that’s getting her ass beat by the dude she married deserves what she gets because she didn’t peep the dude on the front end. Because she was caught up in his money, looks, the penis, etc.
    Common how silly is that…

    Marriage is suppose to be forever and the ring is a symbol of this commitment, “with this ring i the wed”…so if you’re a woman leaving a man…uh, give back the ring, the symbol of the commitment and be out. If you’re giving the, “this is mine” speech…my spidey senses are tingling saying that you my friend may be a gold digger indeed.

    Antoninette…you are absolutely on point.

  31. jam donaldsonNo Gravatar on 26 Oct 2008 at 10:26 am #

    YOu know I never thought about that way. Thats a great point DM. If a woman argues that her “services” in the home has brought so much value to the marriage, then isn’t the man losing all this “value” when you divorce? So both parties lose.

    If you argue that you both contributed equally to the marriage under this theory, doesn’t that mean on most occasions its a wash? He loses all your “services” and you lose his money.

    If you think about it, if you are arguing that you should continue to get half of his money, shouldnt he continue to get half of your services?

  32. C.Spot GoNo Gravatar on 26 Oct 2008 at 1:17 pm #

    I’m about to have a heart attack. Jam Donaldson finally gives a social commentary that I completely agree with.

  33. ms macNo Gravatar on 26 Oct 2008 at 2:37 pm #

    Dark Matter, this post should end with yours! lol. That was so on point I can’t even stand it.

    Those chicks are simple as hell. But it’s funny how nobody was this heated (on blogs and in the media) about gold diggers when those California and NY bitches were flaunting their stuff for the last three seasons. Now that it’s four sisters it’s an issue. Not saying it shouldn’t be an issue … just pointing out the irony.

    Another funny flip side to the whole gold digger thing is the male version — MEN who are on the come-up. I am now facing the stark reality that a lot of brothers out here try to gold-dig on me because they think I’ve “made it” — even if we’re the same age (and sometimes they’re much older than I am). The new generation of brothers who don’t have the same resources as I do try to use that whole “you’re independent so I don’t need to pay for anything” crap. I also hear a lot of the “well, women have been doing it for years” bull. It’s really funny how the tables turn. REAL independent women suffer in more ways than one. Either we lose the respect of men who have been used up or we get treated like we owe the brothers something just because we worked hard for ours.

    I just hope these “real” (yeah right!) housewives (one of them ain’t even married!!) realize that the juices will dry up and they won’t have much else to go on. Especially when they’re too dumb to realize that the money won’t last forever the way they spend it.

  34. jam donaldsonNo Gravatar on 26 Oct 2008 at 3:35 pm #

    I take issue with your first paragraph–in the very last sentence of the post i make clear that I am talking about the white versions too. I am equal opportunity disgusted.

  35. ms macNo Gravatar on 27 Oct 2008 at 12:41 pm #

    Jam, that statement was not directed to you (but somehow I knew you’d respond) lol. I know you’re an equal opportunity ball buster. :)

    I pointed that out because this show is rated higher than all of the other seasons and I’ve noticed that especially on the White blogs those folks are going off about these sisters. Now, I don’t read every single blog out there but I don’t remember this much angst when the golddiggers were White.

  36. (SMH)No Gravatar on 27 Oct 2008 at 2:04 pm #

    Well I missed u and Im glad ure right back into the swing of things. I try not to be cynical about my prospects for marriage as an attractive 28 year old educated woman with a great sense of humor, no children nor exhusband, who’s holdin down two jobs…but chix like this make it REALLY hard! I can understand why guys are reluctant to build anything – save a long list of sexual escapades – with a woman (which is why tomorrow I’ll joyfully ring in 7 months of celibacy…if i can’t get what I want neither can u!) Last thing any man wants to be is vulnerable and that applies to his wallet as well as his emotions. I’ve never been one of those girls to be after a dudes $ cuz then its like I owe u something. So I just make it happen on my own and if I can’t, it wasn’t for me to begin with. Gold-digger my ass…just a euphemism for ho if u ax me (yes I said ax lol)

  37. Obama StanNo Gravatar on 27 Oct 2008 at 6:50 pm #

    The truth of the matter is that whatever the outcomes on both ends; both fuckers are superficial as hell and they deserve each other. Case closed.

    The money doesn’t make them happy; nor make them secure. These shows are created as optical illusions to piss of people and create resentment. Trust these chicks (white and black) are not getting over on nobody. They’ll be washed up and worthless in the long run. They will look back at their lives and see the meaninglessness. A woman who plays the trife game has no value nor respect…just ask Marla Maples. The best rewards are those that are earned. Period.

    Look at Superhead. A glorified hoe who wrote a book about her sexcapades and still unhappy as hell. Money will never give you happiness; in fact it’ll make you more unhappy if you are already living from a black hole.

  38. apNo Gravatar on 28 Oct 2008 at 9:43 am #

    I agree with this post 100%. It is so much more powerful to earn your own paper. When the relationship is over, you move on knowing that you can take care of yours, and not have to wait on someone else.

    These women are disgusting in their excess. More is not always better.

    How long has this woman been waiting for her “seven figures”. She obviously married her husband for those “seven figures”. Apparently, they were only married 2 years.

    It is sad to say that this, to me, is just another form of the welfare system.

  39. Miss JayNo Gravatar on 28 Oct 2008 at 4:56 pm #

    @missthang I don’t think Jam was compairing marriage to the show. The show is called Real HouseWIVES of Atlanta. They are the ones who are portraying themselves as only being in the marriage for the money.

    “But, to call women “gold-diggers” because they were married to a man for less than 5 years, gave him a child or two and receive child support and/or alimony is trifling.”

    That’s not why they are being called gold diggers. It’s the ones who don’t take care of home. Sit around and expect a handout. Refuse to get their life back together and want to live off allimony/child support. First of child support is not put in place for the ex wife to live off of, it’s for the children to live off of. There were exceptions to the title of gold digger too, or maybe it went un-noticed.

    Dark Matter made a lot of good points.

  40. Just Wondering on 29 Oct 2008 at 9:52 pm #

    I’m sorry but my friends and I always seem to talk about the fact that women keep their engagement ring! This makes me sooooooooooooooo MAD because the ring represents a symbol of what’s to come! If what’s to come doesn’t happen THEN YOU DON’T GET THE RING! It’s not some gift for Xmas! GIVE the ring back! You didn’t slave to save for it, so you shouldn’t get to cash it in!

    Just Wondering’s last blog post..Measure of A Man Part 1

  41. JaBeNo Gravatar on 30 Oct 2008 at 10:06 am #

    DM was on point, a tad angry just a smidgen, but on point.
    Jam, did you happen to see my presidents’ 28 minute ad? What I’d like to know, and I know you aren’t Ted Turner, is why Larry King gave Sen. McCain and hour to ramble on about NOTHIN’ with no outta pocket expense for McCain! To be fair and non-partisan my guess is that Sen. Obama will be his guess this evening. 5 more days Lord, 5 more days!

  42. MissJayNo Gravatar on 30 Oct 2008 at 10:34 am #

    I’ve wondered this myself @Just Wondering.

    I read somewhere that if the man break off the engagement (or whoever gave the ring to the other) the person accepting the ring gets to keep it. If the person who accepted the ring breaks the engagement, they have to give the ring back.

    What does it matter, the engagement’s over, give the ring back and let the person who gave it to you get their money back. I got a ring (not engagement or promise) from my ex for Christmas, a few weeks after we broke up he asked for it back LOL. Didn’t bother me any, why would I want to keep jewelry that my ex gave me, constantly reminding me of him.

  43. its like this on 31 Oct 2008 at 7:08 am #

    how many of you wouldnt aim for a long term relationship with a rich guy who was interested in you and wanting to treat you like a princess. would it put you off if you werent in love with him? does every woman who marries a man she’s not in love with get classed as a whore?

    this is the 21st century as well, being an ordinary housewife wont help you keep your man in this day and age. you need to be super, look good, smell good, work out and keep fit, keep up good conversation, be responsive whenever he wants sex…. for our moms it might have been enough to cook good food and keep house and home but men these days don’t care about that as much so if you’re able to farm out the mundane day to day jobs to maids and cleaners thats great. i dont think it detracts from these women at all that they have workers to do all those jobs for them, it helps them concentrate on the main thing, the man and kids.

  44. JaBeNo Gravatar on 31 Oct 2008 at 11:46 am #

    Whatever happened to *singing the commercial*I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never ever let you forget you’re the man; ’cause I’m a woman.
    Seriously, I give much respect to the women who are out their getting their daily 9 to 5 on, holding down the house cooking, cleaning, making sure the kids are healthy, happy and maintaining great grades while not letting her husband or herself get lost in mix. Granted, I don’t know too many of these women as something more often tnan not goes lacking be it the cleaning of the house, the cooking, the relationship or her and it some cases of being overwhelmed most or all of the above. If you all have the means to hire help, by all means enlist the help you need, but not to the point where all you do is delegate and shop; anyone would tire of that sooner or later. Get the help if BOTH of you work, but if you’re a stay at home mother/father, get up and handle your business. I’m not suggesting that stay-at-homers dont get overwhelmed, they do. Get help even if its a maid service from time to time or possibly having the laundry sent out or ordering in once in a while.
    I digress. I know how trying and exhausting it can be when I look around the house and think there’s no way my mom would’ve had all this dust on the window sill(s). Then I call her up and talk about the dust NOT dusting as I lay down accross the couch too lazy to upstairs.
    Sorry what was the topic again? Oh yeah, golddiggin’. When the relationships over, it’s over. So long as the childrens needs are being met and the absent parent supports THEM, then no worries. I think too many people confuse child support with spousal support.

  45. JaBeNo Gravatar on 31 Oct 2008 at 11:47 am #

    I ramble when I’m tired; is it 5:00 yet?

  46. btaNo Gravatar on 03 Nov 2008 at 7:08 pm #

    Hmm… I’m not quite as totally on the page with you as I usually am.

    Maybe it’s just the odd point I have a problem with – like noting that if you want to live like that you should get a job that pays $10 million. But… there aren’t nearly as many jobs like that for women as for men. Because it’s sports that pays the highest, but does our society support the WNBA anything like the NBA? And women’s football… might be popular if they mix it with bikinis and mud wrestling.

    And no, I don’t think a wife that doesn’t do anything should try to “take him for all she can get….” But it’s a stretch to assume most wives who marry money are like that. I know an Israeli lady who was married to a prominent doctor and head of a major medical establishment for thirty years. She raised their kids, actively involved in the kids lives, but she also spent a lot of time being his social director, planning the meals and the entertainment and the home environment so that when he had his forty-person dinners he knew that he would walk out with forty new investors in his pocket. When he hit his mid-life crisis and she hit her wrinkled age, she got dropped like a hot potato for a red corvette and a bikini blonde. That’s not always the case, and surely isn’t with the women you’re using as examples – but the women you’re using as examples also should not be given the right to represent all women married to rich men. A lot of women in those kinds of marriages do everything from orchestrating the household (which in a household that size does require orchestration) to playing a full-time role as social director in addition to being the “trophy wife” which comes with all its own requirements for at least public perfection.

    So yes, bimbos are bimbos. But not all women married to rich men who end up divorced are bimbos.

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  48. adminNo Gravatar on 04 Nov 2008 at 10:01 am #

    bta– i think you’re being a literal and literal in your thinking. The point is not go out and literally make 10 million, the point is that why are you entitled to a lifestyle you did nothing to earn? Additionally, although professional sports do pay well, they are a plethora of occupations where women can earn enough to live extremely lavishly.

    I know (unfortunately) we only think about athletes and entertainers when it comes to black folks making money BUT its not the 1950′s and if a woman wants to be a lawyer, doctor, investment banker, real estate developer and make some great money, they can do that. (BTW sports do not pay the highest–investment bankers make athletes look like paupers, and their careers are more than a few years long) Frankly, if you look at the statistics, in many arenas, black women are doing better than men financially. So i dont buy this “its the only way to have a rich lifestyle” argument.

    Newsflash: just like that athlete, that has busted his ass his whole life, you also have to EARN IT.

    So if you limit your sights to professional athletics then sure men have more earning potential but the world is larger than a football field or basketball court and i know plenty of women making BANK using their heads and not thier coochies.

    And as I noted in the original post, there are definitely exceptions, where women have devoted thier lives to their husbands and families, but thast not who im talking about here. And I certainly have said more than once that this does not represent all women married to rich guys. Some women were married to them before they became rich–there are loads of exceptions.

    But there are also a lot of golddiggers and if the shoe fits…

  49. Denise on 04 Nov 2008 at 11:54 pm #

    I kind of disagree with you. I have been married for eight years and my husband has just recently started to make really good money. Its all good, we share and share alike. However, I have to say that I feel as if I have been there from day one to the present. I gave him every bit of energy and encouragement I could muster when his family and friends told him he could not make it. Now that he has its a diffrent story with them, but that doesn’t change the fact that I was there. I jumped on a flight when he needed me and I stay home to raise the kids and take care of every other aspect of his life b/c he has a career.

    Now I am a pretty smart sister myself, and I have a degree and I plan to have a career when my children are a little older. However, these past eight years have been an investment in my relationship and my family. I could have been doing any number of things. That being said I would not walk away from this relationship with nothing.

    When you get married you make a long term committment to your wife and your children. Why should a man be living well, while the women he made a promise to struggles. I just don’t think its right, even if the women just sat around and watched soaps.

  50. Tyra P.No Gravatar on 05 Nov 2008 at 5:23 pm #

    Denise, I do look at your situation differently because clearly you are the exception that Jam mentioned in the beginning of the entry. But for the most part I agree with the point being made here. I too am a firm believer that if women want to have jobs or careers making 100 g’s, $1 mil, or $100 mil a year we can do just that. And no we don’t have to play in the WNBA, mud wrestle or win A.I to do it. We just need to step our asses off of cloud nine long enough to do it. I am a 20-something year old single mother of a 6 year old boy. I don’t nor have I ever recieved child support(I have pursued it several times but the system here in Maryland is just not that great)I am on my way to obtaining a college degree, and if I told you how much money I make in a year you’d think I was joking. But you know what I cook my own damn meals, I clean my own damn place, I discipine my own child, and at the end of the day I feel pretty damn good that I do all of those things. I know that the sacrifices I make now will afford me the opportunity to do and have all of the things I am not in the position to now. Maybe I’m just too busy to really think about it but I don’t feel like this world or any man in it owes me shit. As was mentioned the men that go for this bs get everything that they deserve. Is every woman married to money just in it for money? I doubt that. But you can’t honestly believe that women like these bubbleheads on ARHW have deserved the right to continue in the lifestyles that they are living after their relationship are ended. I agree with you Jam the shit is just sickening.

  51. JazzyTallGuyNo Gravatar on 06 Nov 2008 at 12:07 am #

    Your blog pretty much described my second marriage. I worked my ass off, while my ex worked when she wanted, spent what she wanted. This was NOT the life we discussed prior to our marriage when I made is clear I wanted somebody to “Build something together with”. After we had been married a while she played bait and switch and decided she wanted somebody to “Take care of her”. When we decided to divorce she went after my wallet with a gusto. She walked out the marriage with a six figure settlement and a Mercedes. I was left with something much more valuable, my personal happiness.

    When I look at the women in the “Real Housewives of Atlanta” I see a group of vain, selfish, materialistic women of little substance. If that’s the type of woman a man wants then he needs to be prepared for the financial ramifications when the relationships ends because more likely then not the situation was all about the money from the get go.

  52. chrisNo Gravatar on 09 Nov 2008 at 12:53 pm #

    Could not agree more with your assessment of the ATL housewives. Completely shallow and their biggest success seems to be marrying wealthy men.
    What cojones! Talking about how people are intimidated by you and your wealth & success. WTF have you done exactly?

  53. Cali on 10 Nov 2008 at 8:57 am #

    I agree w/ so much of whats being said. There are certain cases where the women deserve a healthy settlement – if you gave up your career to raise a family or travel w/ him b/c he’s the busy businessman, etc. Outside of that, I don’t see it. & the men know what type of woman they’re choosing, so they’re to blame as well for the bitterness that goes down in the end. If they know they couldn’t get that woman WITHOUT the bank account, maybe they shouldn’t risk walking her down the aisle & being legally bound in the first place…

    Never watched any of the Real Housewives, I’m truly sick of the “need” people have to be on tv, doing any & everything for 5 seconds of fake-ass “fame”. I’m SO DONE w/ it!

  54. RorysmommaNo Gravatar on 12 Nov 2008 at 7:07 am #

    Until, we acknowledge the fact that we are getting into relationships for the wrong reasons, this argument is going to continue. When women receive equal pay for equal work, I won’t feel bad. However, if a woman makes more money than her man and she leaves, he gets a check too. So who is digging who?

  55. Tyra P.No Gravatar on 12 Nov 2008 at 1:04 pm #

    Saw these RHWA jerks on the Tyra Banks “Show”(another phony ass waste of an hour that I can bear no more than 2 minutes at a time of.) All I can say is that the only thing more disturbing than the RHWA is the RHWA + Tyra. Sickening to the nth degree. And I feel like you Chris- WFT have they done? If Ms. Banks had just an inkling of common sense in that pretty head of hers she would have asked herself that very question before inviting these perpetual GOLD DIGGERS on her show then once she got them on the show she would have asked them to their faces. B/C inquiring minds need to know.

  56. 4MyBabesNo Gravatar on 02 Dec 2008 at 11:09 pm #

    When will people realize that marriage is a business agreement and should be looked as such? I am not anti-romance by any stretch of the imagination… I love a bouquet of flowers e’ry now and then. But the reality is marriages are businesses – a joint venture.

    Any smart person going into business is going to protect their interest and ensure that they are paid their fair share from it. Additionally, you are going to ensure you are putting into it what is needed to guarantee its success.

    People let their emotions get the best of them and they toss away common sense thinking that somebody “has their back”. Don’t get me wrong, in a strong healthy relationship he/she should have their proverbial back but eventually you have to understand that people are just people and when their independence, or worse still, ego is infringed upon “them is fighting words” and most folks are not gonna go down without a fight.

    As a “single mom” going thru a divorce I can tell you…I do deserve something (‘cept the nigga aint got nothing!!) for what I “put on the shelf” for this marriage, but really that something is not for me. It is for my children and I know that sounds cliche but dammit WE had these kids and how do I end up with the bulk of the responsibility?!!! But that is another conversation.

    The bottom line is it’s not about gold digging…women can and should work for what they want but when you have a child with someone the responsibility to care for that child belongs to both parents no matter who is making more than the other. If there were no children from said union…shit!…she shoulda been working all along! And for the record…I aint touching ghetto ass RHWA!!!

  57. Ramon BushNo Gravatar on 09 Dec 2008 at 3:36 pm #

    Yeah, I agree, those broads on ATL Housewives are pure idiots and the sad thing is they really don’t know this. Not to mention, you entertainers out their messing it up and further putting into these chicks heads they can get something for nothing. Since when do you have to throw $10,000 (make it rain) in the air to the same azz you can get for free just being famous. See, now the dancers want money for work they haven’t even done on the level for which ya’ll are paying them. So now when the working man goes to the strip club, they want something for nothing. It’s gotten so bad in non make it rain areas such as MD because of the South, dancers up here walk up and ask you if you want a lap dance.

    By the way, how ignorant has music become and those of ya’ll that listen to certiain bullshiit, that it’s okay to just throw away $10,000 at a time for some $200 azz, when they can be building wealth for their family name to be handed down for generations instead of being rich and fucin stupid.

    I respect a hoe more than a gold digger because at least she putting in work. So maybe we should turn some hoe’s to housewives, at least we know they’ll bring some doe to the table.

  58. CoquinegraNo Gravatar on 18 Dec 2008 at 8:16 pm #

    Seriously, Sis,
    What you said.

  59. salNo Gravatar on 19 Dec 2008 at 7:22 pm #

    i think if you put in time with this man when he had nothing, you deserve something in the end. not thess women who marry men like paul mcartney and get 48 million dollars for being married to him for 3 years and popping out a baby for an old man. or anna nicole smith who married a wealthy senior citizens who died 4 months later and she ended up with millions. women like that should not get a big pay off because they did not put any work in. paul mccartney’s wife was not even born when the beatles made many hits. but she got paid more than she weighed. that woman jesse jackson had an affair with is getting paid lovely in child support. she slept with an old man(yet another young woman screwing an old man)got pregnant and now is paid. he should have kept his pants zipped or at least protected himself. his wife was there since day one and now another woman is taking what is rightful mrs. jackson’s and their children. jesse should take care of his baby but come on.. i feel no sympathy for him. if i was with you when you were broke, yes i deserve something in the end. if i had your kids, had your back through the times when we ate hotdogs then cavier, i deserve something. but lets not forget god intended for man and woman to marry and for him to work and her to stay home with the kids. rich or poor. that is no longer happening.

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  61. Ms. MNo Gravatar on 09 Jan 2009 at 12:36 pm #

    I am obviously way late reading this, but AMEN damnit! (Are those words supposed to be next to each other?) I have been fussing about the same thing for a very long time and I’m glad you spoke on it. These women are embarassing and certainly a poor representation of the best of us.

  62. NoniBerryJuiceNo Gravatar on 08 Mar 2009 at 8:52 pm #

    Really, all these women are are pets that a man provided for.

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  65. Injury SettlementNo Gravatar on 10 Apr 2009 at 10:04 am #

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  66. tanyaNo Gravatar on 11 Apr 2009 at 1:29 am #

    I am not sure of the type of women you have had a relationship with or acquainted with? I know a few women that feel that way and I have read of or heard women on a television show speak of this behavior, the majority of women I know are self sufficient and are looking for a good man that doesn’t want to be taken care of by a woman. I can reverse the gender and agree with you, but that would be like saying ALL blacks are ignorant, lazy and uneducated.

  67. MoNo Gravatar on 21 Aug 2009 at 12:11 pm #

    I think that judges these days are a lot lot harder in divorce cases and won’t just hand over a lot of money for the divorce settlement because women can work!! A judge isn’t going to say oh well she needs a lot of HIS money so she can continue to live that lifestyle. Screw that!! If a lady wants to continue to live a certain lifestyle that her and her children are accustomed to well then she better get off her ass and start looking for a big time job and don’t ever ever just expect someone to just hand you over a big lump some. You women have two legs that arn’t broken, you can walk so then you can sure as hell get a damn job!!

    A lot of women these days just expect to get handed a lot of money even though they say they want to work blah blah blah they still want that hand me down money!! It really funny now in divorce cases with women that don’t work or just stay at home because they can are now being forced to pay allimony!! So if women think they can just sit their asses around and do nothing they have a huge wakeup call if they get divorced. They will go to court only then to find themselves paying the husbands a shit load of money because they the wives were not working even though they could very easly work they wanted to just be home!! Ha ha now look at who’s laughing walking out of court lol!!

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