Friday, August 15, 2008

What’s With This “Wifey” Bullshit?

   mess of the month january2 Whats With This Wifey Bullshit?

OK,  a reader wrote to me venting her frustrations about the new relationship category of “wifey.”  It seems as though we now have the categories of:  single, married, divorced, and has-a-wifey.  It’s a peculiar moniker indeed for one’s significant other.  It actually sounds rather sweet.  It seems to occupy the space between girlfriend and wife.  But to me, it signifies exactly what’s wrong with relationships today. 

*I’m not sure if this term has permeated the white community yet, but like everything else black folks do, its coming.

Now at first glance it would seem that calling someone your “wifey” is a compliment, an expression of their commitment to you, an elevation of you from girlfriend to something more. But upon further examination of what this term means and who exactly benefits from the designation, the “wifey” title is  revealed to be a total and complete cop-out. 

In a culture where committed relationships are rare and marriages even rarer, it seems that men and women are settling for a cheap imitation.  Wifey is often described as “not your only, but your favorite” or “wife material.”  I had a friend of mine who told me that he reserves expensive gifts for wifey and gives the other women cheap things.  But unfortunately, the “wifey” designation is not a stepping stone to marriage,  it’s the final stop.  The notion of commitment has morphed from being with only one person, to having one special person that you treat a little better than the others.  And you know whats really scary:  women are eating that shit up!

Its almost like we have accepted that committed relationships are impossible so if are going to be with someone, its considered a victory to attain wifey status.  It reminds me of the African American woman author Audrey Chapman who years ago suggested that man-sharing was okay because of the lack of available black men.  Get the fuck outta here.  And its not that you accept the wifey title blindly.  Everyone who has a man willing to use that term, also knows what it means.  It basically means a life of looking the other way, as long as you are (in the immortal words of the infinitely wise Trina) his “baddest bitch.”

At some point I went to sleep and woke up in the Negro Twilight Zone.  A culture who survived slavery, Jim Crow and segregation in part because of the strength and dogged perseverance of the family, has now come to this.  Not only do we accept not being married, we accept not even being exclusive.  What happened to the self-worth of women in the last decade where we just settle for any damn thing?

Women are actually proud to be “wifey.”  “Its alright because I know he’s coming home to me!” RUFKM?  Really?   Since when did we start volunteering to be cheated on?  This isn’t about the men.  You teach people how to treat you.  This is your call.

 Don’t fool yourself ladies.  This is nothing but an issue of low self-esteem.  The need for a warm body in the bed at night.  Someone to take to family cook-outs and events.  In a nation of women who too often grow up without a father’s love, sometime we need to tell ourselves that some man, any man, out there thinks we’re special.   Even if its not quite special enough.  Sometimes that’s all you need.  I can dig it.    I’ve been there.  Hell, I’m there right now.  But I will go to every party,  happy hour, island vacation, play, concert and movie by my damn self, before I’m someone’s wifey.  Shit, I  got Tivo.

Have you ever stopped to think why you are only “wifey” and not “wife” or fiancé ?  Have you ever asked?  Would you dare?  Of course not.  Because then he might leave.

Be strong ladies.

Peace People.

165 Responses to “What’s With This “Wifey” Bullshit?”

  1. Intiasar F. KyngNo Gravatar on 15 Aug 2008 at 7:56 pm #

    You already know that I cosign this heavily; I was just at a jewelry store with a friend girl of mine and she was picking out her “engagement ring” to match her “wifey status”. A plain mell of a hess!!!

    Intiasar F. Kyng

  2. Anonymous on 15 Aug 2008 at 10:09 pm #

    Jam, I agree with you 100%. Too often women settle for less that what we deserve and deviate from our vision for our lives to please a man. More so, I feel it´s a combination of low self- esteem and other unresolved issues from past experiences. However, that isn´t an excuse to settle for less. Yes, we teach men how to treat us and we need to begin treating ourselves like the queens that we are!

  3. t.allen-mercadoNo Gravatar on 15 Aug 2008 at 10:34 pm #

    I never quite got the concept of wifey or being the “main one”. If ever there is another, you’re both the other. There are no gradient degrees of progress and status in this shit-you either are the one and only or you’re not. I’d sooner a stiff drink than a shared stiff…well y’know. Boy am I glad I’m married.

  4. Robert ReeceNo Gravatar on 16 Aug 2008 at 1:33 am #

    I wholeheartedly agree. I’m a man and even I’m disgusted at how my friends treat women. I wonder how it makes me look when I hang out with them?

  5. Kinetic Potentiial on 16 Aug 2008 at 10:11 am #

    Jam, you make some good points but if you think about it…wouldn’t you agree that it’s better than these marriages built on hollow ground? The divorce rate is over 50% and i’m gonna go out on a limb and say 35% are likely from infidelity.

    The title is only a reflection of society…values have diminished–marriage is no longer an economic necessity–the definition of a successful life is no longer a white picket fence with 2.3 kids. You pop that here on the regular–true?

    I’d rather see wifeys than divorces–cost everybody too much money. But it’s a sad state of affairs no matter how you slice it.

  6. shagginabitNo Gravatar on 16 Aug 2008 at 7:54 pm #

    I’ve gotta agree with Jam here. I have too many friends who are satisfied with being the “wifey”. They figure since they’re the ones getting most of the guy’s money and he’s coming home to them at nite, then it’s all good. In my opinion, that’s just nasty, and it’s not love — it’s desperation. These guys know what they’re doing, too. They always get the same woman — a woman with low self -esteem that’s been shot to hell a few times. They tell them they’re beautiful, blah blah blah, get inside their heads and then get to screwing them over. By the time they start dating other women behind (and in some cases in front of) their backs, the woman is too much in “love” to even care. You can only be used as much as you let yourself be used. If you carry yourself like a “wifey”, a woman who doesn’t care if her man sleeps around with other women as long as he comes home at the end of the night, then that’s all you’re ever going to be. No guy is going to respect a woman who does that. Not ever going to happen, captain. Thankfully, I didn’t have to go through that and I ended up with “wife” status. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

  7. TelaNo Gravatar on 17 Aug 2008 at 12:24 pm #

    Once again Jam hits the proverbial nail on the head. My elder female relatives used to call this shackin’ up…I guess the new term is wifey. Although I guess you can shack up and be monogamous? I think we ought to call it shoe shackin’. Wifey sounds too cute and too close to wife. The reason I suggested shoe shackin’ because just like we decide which shoes to wear everyday, these guys with wifeys decide which wifey is on their agenda that day. Each pair of shoes/wifey are designed for certain places, certain functions and when they’re tired of them, they just go get a new pair. Sounds trivial doesn’t it?

  8. Ms. JonesNo Gravatar on 17 Aug 2008 at 2:11 pm #

    I completely agree! I see the majority of my female friends just settling for whatever they can get just to say that they are in some type of a relationship. Most are content being “wifey” or “the baddest” and that is insane to me. I get told all the time by both males and females that “I need to lower my standards” because I seek out too much in terms of respect and what I will and will not tolerate…crazy right?!

  9. ms macNo Gravatar on 17 Aug 2008 at 6:14 pm #

    I think the term all started from the R&B group Next. Remember that song “Wifey” they had out back in the late 90s? {Sidebar: that was and still is my jam}. But I think back then the idea behind the song was that the female was just THAT close to becoming the actual wife — not just the second fiddle (if you listen to the lyrics you may agree).

    I remember thinking the word was an term of endearment until I heard a few men using it to describe their “side piece”. These men probably thought it was real cute to call some female that since they didn’t want to give her full status. And some women fell for it. After my then boyfriend had the nerve to call me that one day he got an earful and since then I have never appreciated or accepted the term. You might as well call me More than a hoe, close to a girlfriend but certainly not your wife.

    Sadly, it seems like society has seriously reduced Black women to three major categories: Wifey, baby-mama, or jump-off. It’s rarely mother, Sistah or Queen. And if you’re not any of those you’re just solo. It’s sad but it’s the way it is. And even sadder is that women are partly to blame.

  10. NCNo Gravatar on 17 Aug 2008 at 6:33 pm #

    Jam, I have to say I found your blog a couple months ago and love it. I agree with ms mac. I remember that song and how my college boyfriend tried to put “wifey” on me. I quickly shut that down. “Girlfriend” worked fine then and it still does.

    Sidebar: I also despised the Jagged Edge song “Lets Get Married” which loosely translated says: Hey we’ve been messing ’round long enough and now that I can’t mack like I used to, why don’t I go ahead and marry your ole ass. I’m guessing it’s a dream come true for all “wifeys” out there?

  11. Tonya on 18 Aug 2008 at 9:32 am #

    Don’t believe the hype! There is someone for everyone so Ladies, don’t settle for less! “Wifey” – WTF kind of term is that?! What’s the male equivalent, does anybody know? Probably isn’t one.
    And Jam, thank you for the new post! (LOL!)

  12. Chandra on 18 Aug 2008 at 11:40 am #

    It sounds like 10:09 has it right. Black women teach their sons how to treat women in the future. What are black households at? 75-77% single parents or out of wedlock births? Black women therby teach junior that it ok to just be a baby momma and not a wife. The vicious cycle continues….

  13. AuraNo Gravatar on 18 Aug 2008 at 3:05 pm #

    I’m sorry, I could barely get past the picture. I do agree that a lot of women nowadays are settling for the “wifey” title. I, personally, don’t want anyone calling me that unless there is a ring on my finger.

  14. mabyeawifeyNo Gravatar on 18 Aug 2008 at 4:16 pm #

    So, when I read this I had to laugh.

    Now don’t get bent out of shape here, read on.

    When I was a kid I “borrowed” a book from my mom’s collection titled “Wifey” by Judy Blume. It was a little adult for my little mind and perhaps why I am now warped the way I am. lol Anyhow, the main character is a woman that begins to fantasize about her doctor, maybe her OB/GYN. I don’t remember if the act was ever consumated, but it was a pretty graphic storyline.

    So, when I hear the term wifey, that is what I think of.

    Not free milk….

  15. jam donaldson on 18 Aug 2008 at 4:23 pm #

    OMG– thats so funny– between Wifey and Forever — Judy Blume single-handedly taught me everything i needed to know about the birds and bees. I couldnt tell you how many times i read those steamy scenes with myfriends just giggling. The pages were worn from wear. Ahhh, the good old days…when Judy Blume was about as graphic as it got.

    but i digress…

  16. AlaiaNo Gravatar on 18 Aug 2008 at 5:23 pm #

    Great article. I find this “wifey” crap to be utterly ridiculous. I’m new to your blog. Found you through the weblog awards. I look forward to reading more.

  17. Hot Girl Extraordinaire on 18 Aug 2008 at 6:12 pm #

    I think wifey signifies what is wrong with us as a people. We don’t get married. I was just CONVERSING (tee hee) with a few of my friends about this. All of the white women I know are married or engaged. And if they get divorced they turn around and get married right away. I think it goes back to expectations – we have to get out of the “wifey”, dating, shacking mentality and expecting, hell demanding marriage instead


  18. Harlem ChicNo Gravatar on 18 Aug 2008 at 8:28 pm #

    A a women the power is in your hands. You accept wifey. You’ll be wifey. You demand to be a wife…you’ll be a wife.

    Point Blank.

  19. LteefawNo Gravatar on 19 Aug 2008 at 7:59 am #

    Where in the hell have I been? This is the first time I’ve ever heard the term “Wifey” referring to a mans side piece. I always thought that it was a term used by a man who was in a serious committed relationship. Hell, I must be getting old.

    Personally, I have never been one of those women who dreamt of being married. Call me crazy but marriage doesn’t equal committment. But I have a ton of friend who are dying to get married. So I asked them if you want to be married way are you settling? Why do you chose to have babies for these men, cook, clean, and be a wife to them in every way without have the title. None of them could give me an answer.

  20. CourtNo Gravatar on 19 Aug 2008 at 10:04 am #

    I guess I’m old, too. I didn’t know that about “wifey.” (BTW, I giggled with the Judy Blume references. I think that “Forever” is still on my shelf, and I’m 34!). Jam, ladies, guys, what will it take to turn this boat around with our culture?

  21. NYgirl4LyfNo Gravatar on 19 Aug 2008 at 10:10 am #

    Hey Jam,
    Girl, you hit this one head on! I never could understand how females let guys get away with calling them ‘wifey’?! Either you are or you aren’t, no in between.
    I had a father in my life & my mom made damn sure the world knew she was his WIFE, so being called that to me meant(and still does) not only do I have the ring but the documented proof! Hell, I’ve been married twice & God-willing I”ll do it again before I allow a man to insult my intelligence like that!
    Ladies, don’t be fooled, they know it’s cheaper to keep her!

  22. The Urban ScientistNo Gravatar on 19 Aug 2008 at 11:47 am #

    You’re right about the settling part. But there are cases of women (and true enough, men) who aren’t interested in getting or being married…but that doesn’t make cheating okay. Not co-signing on that.

    But marriage is serious business. Don’t marry someone ‘just because’ you’ve been dating for so long.

  23. OGNo Gravatar on 19 Aug 2008 at 12:09 pm #

    Man, I advocate wife sharing for the simple fact I want someone to help me wash draws, watch kids and be able to have a headache every now and again not because the shortage of men!

    Ok I’ll be serious now, I have to concur. I must admit I have a lot of nicknames and stuff before you can get to the real title, husband, but none of my pre-labels are ever intended to replace husband.

    Although I may never have a husband I’d never tell a long term bf that being my “hubby” or bf 2.0, or terminator is just as valuable as being my husband.

    I remember when wifey was the nickname for WIVES…damn I’m getting old. First bustit baby and now this. I haven’t been this sad since the fat boys broke up.


  24. daraNo Gravatar on 19 Aug 2008 at 12:29 pm #

    Believe it or not, I was just explaining the difference between girlfriend, wife, and wifey to my boyfriend the other day. This is the first time I’ve heard about “wifey” meaning side chick. Besides the song from Next (which I also loved), I thought it came because older women affectionately referred to their husbands as “hubby.” My mom did that often. However, wifey doesn’t leave the same taste in my mouth. I have never read intent to marry in the phrase “She’s wifey.” I, for one, am not about give somebody my WIFE MATERIALS if they don’t have any intention of making me their actual, honest wife.

    And to OG: I hate that Bustit Baby song, too. ewwwww!

  25. LynetteNo Gravatar on 19 Aug 2008 at 6:04 pm #

    OK, I’m 45 and have never been married. I have accepted the fact that I may never get married–and that’s OK. BUT, that does not mean that I do not want to have male companionship, sex and romance in my life. And I don’t give a sh!t what anyone thinks about a grown-a$$ woman having sex without the benefits of marriage. The fact that I date w/out the goal of marriage on my mind does not mean that I am “settling”. Actually it’s made things a lot easier, if a man is getting on my nerves or disrepecting me, it’s a lot easier for me to tell him to bounce instead of holding on to a man simply because I think that he’s my last chance for matrimony.

    I do, however, refuse to date men who are married, engaged or who have multiple “baby mammas”.

  26. LynetteNo Gravatar on 19 Aug 2008 at 6:09 pm #

    OH, I guess that I digressed a little. I always thought that “wifey” was a term of endearment for an actual wife.

  27. SIMPLYUNCOOLNo Gravatar on 20 Aug 2008 at 9:40 am #

    um…..wth? i must have been a little late. i have been called wifey before, & yes i accepted it. because NO MY MAN HAS NEVER CHEATED… its just this strong term of endearment and that he feels more for me than just his girlfriend. &i been thru alot of ish w| this guy. and right now we cant get married . not because he doesnt want to bcuz i want the Ten Ten Ten!! wedding. or atleast a 7.5. &that cost money nd we need 2 save. we alsso got other sh*t to handle!! so basically.. getting all married, sudden & quick, just for you can be able to call yourself a WIFE! is “stoopid”….ill settle for the term wifey at the moment. because i can nd thats what hes calling me. not because im his side piece, nd he fkn errything. is because right now we are in no position of getting married.

    trust nd believe in ur guy. if hes calling you wifey he most likely loves you very much! but if you think your his side piece, nd he has stated that to u by saying “oh well im effin these broads but ure my wifey” SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH BOTH OF YALL… dont try 2 use this, once & i hope still is wonderful word for all those serious couples out there, as a term for ur nastiness. keep that sh*t for the term “bust it baby” dummies.

  28. MissJayNo Gravatar on 20 Aug 2008 at 10:26 am #

    ms mac, I was gonna say the same thing about that Next song. I thought it was to be a term of endearment like Hubby is. Aura I agree with you too. The only time someone should be called Wifey is when they are really about to be or are already someone’s wife. I really don’t like the direction relationships have taken as far as not being there at all. It’s a shame and we have to do better.

  29. DANIELLENo Gravatar on 21 Aug 2008 at 4:51 pm #

    First time on this site and I love it. I can’t stand the “wifey” term and absolutely despise the “bust it baby” term.( that term is disgusting) People in my generation (I’m 29) have grown up to believe that marriage is for suckers and thats just stupid. I am dating right now, and make sure I let the man know I’m dating to find my future husband. That way they have no expectations of a “shack-up wifey” and definitely not a “bust-it baby” If they are looking for/into either of those….I don’t even waste my time.

  30. tndmediaNo Gravatar on 21 Aug 2008 at 4:52 pm #

    I hate “wifey” and “mama”, its liking saying I’m not committed to you but can you take care of my behind (physically, emotionally, financially) but you know I’m your number one chick right…still not convinced….an contributes to woman loving the men that they don’t have respect for

  31. brneyed1 on 22 Aug 2008 at 11:09 am #

    OMG! Thanks for the heads-up! I didn’t know that “wifey” had morphed into this trife b.s.!

    Look at the two girls in the picture…do they look happy? HELL NO! And I wonder which one of them thinks that she is the wifey? I’ll bet both.

    How do we get our girls to understand that this is unacceptable?

  32. Bumpy on 22 Aug 2008 at 1:56 pm #

    I didn’t know about it. I can’t believe this sh*t. I think my standards just went up two-fold past impossible because I couldn’t do it. He’d have to die. I have no words.

  33. nista206 on 22 Aug 2008 at 2:41 pm #

    Wifey…… ah, yes. I’ve been dubbed that plenty in my day, often told that I’m “wifey material.”

    I’ve skimmed thru these responses, & as usual, I see a few of you that are married are glad & quick to claim your status, which to me, means nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be married, & will be some day, but for anyone to believe that marriage signifies more security than what your “wifey” counterparts are experiencing is totally ridiculous, & unrealistic. Marriage can be beautiful & a lot of other things, but in our culture, it’s nothing but a glorified “wifey.”

  34. OneLoveNo Gravatar on 22 Aug 2008 at 11:21 pm #

    @nista206 – I guess it depends on where you set the bar! If your relationships are mostly about finances or you are looking for a mate to ‘accessorize’ your life and lifestyle, then being a wife may seem like nothing more than a glorified ‘wifey’ to you. But if you are looking to share your life with someone as willing as you are to commit to one another (intellectually/emotionally/spiritually, as well as financially) – and to commit to a plan about a future together working towards common goals and objectives, then the difference between ‘wife’ and ‘wifey’ is like the difference between chalk and cheese.

    If our ‘culture’ has somehow allowed the difference to seem so insignificant, who’s responsibility is it to get things back on track but our own?!?!?

  35. ms macNo Gravatar on 23 Aug 2008 at 10:14 am #

    So you and your man won’t get married right now because YOU “want the Ten Ten Ten!! wedding.” Wow, sounds like you’re already starting off on the right foot. I mean why legally commit to each other if you can’t start it off with a a bangin’ wedding where you pay for all your friends and family to see how much you’re in love?

  36. cosmicsistrenNo Gravatar on 23 Aug 2008 at 4:21 pm #

    @OG – You had my dying!!! What the hell is a bust it baby? I just foubd out about this blog and I love it!!! Jam, you have a new fan!!

    I am getting too old to be labeled as someone’s wifey. If you can call me wifey you can marry me. I don’t understand the black men out there that I have come across or mwn thatuse terms like this. That is why I have decided to broaden my horizons and started looking at men of different races. I am not going to be loyal to only black men and be 60 and single.

    Ladies – the guys to start looking at are Indian and Asian men!!! They are JUST as fine as black men!!

  37. conbrioNo Gravatar on 23 Aug 2008 at 10:29 pm #

    I may be weird, but I assume I’m the only one in the life of a guy I’m seeing, and if I find out differently, out he goes! I just don’t tolerate my man being with other women — and you can almost always tell if he has started seeing someone else. I’d rather be alone than cheated on.

  38. SpinsterNo Gravatar on 24 Aug 2008 at 1:08 am #

    Just because of this post, I’m subscribing to this blog. Co-signing with you 100000%.

  39. bigshortyNo Gravatar on 24 Aug 2008 at 3:33 pm #

    I’ve read all the previous responses and I can understand the frustration and hurt Black women have and continue to endure in the realm of dating and marriage with Black men. The problems and issues have been discussed ad nauseum, and I won’t do that here. Lynette’s post seems to be the most realistic in terms of assessing the realities of relationships in the Black community. Sisters, wake up…most of y’all are already man sharing; some of you are aware and some of your are in denial. Historically, monagamy is a myth; most cultures (especially African and other indigenous peoples) had specific laws that regulated family composition and marriage. Numerically, no society has had the numbers to satisfy the number of eligible men and women desirous of marriage; at that point the elders would choose to allow responsible and capable men who could properly provide and handle multiple marriage/relationships. In other societies the woman had multiple spouses; I am not saying that monagamy is not achievable or something not to strive for; if you factor in the amount of Black men and women who are not suitable for a heterosexual relationship for whatever reason ( homosexuality, incarceration, mental illness, etc.) the number of eligible Black men and women is very skewed. In a perfect world, if every Black man married a Black woman and was faithful and monagamous in a long term marriage, what is the option for the multitudes Black women who desire to marry and have a family with a Black man? Of course they can date outside the Black community as one of several options, but ultimately if they want to have a relationship with a Black man some difficult decisions are in order. This is already happening, it just isn’t spoken about in a serious way. I believe most people desire to be married and monagamous, if that is the case, do you; don’t hate on others who have a different and alternative way of relating that may not in line with what is considered the norm. A healthy, respectful, legal, honest relationship is the goal of most folks, no matter their point of view. This is not a new phenomenom, it just that it is no longer taboo to discuss these truth’s in public. What a man calls his mate is very important; wife, wifey, my Queen, my earth, etc. Equally important is the commitment, integrity and honesty he manifests consistently…many women are “wives” and are still being treated as “wifey”.

  40. nista206 on 24 Aug 2008 at 4:36 pm #

    Bigshorty: I completely agree w/ you. Most women are living in a fairy tale world in which they believe that they are the chosen & only one. While they may be the chosen one, they are not the only one. But, such is life….

  41. bigshortyNo Gravatar on 24 Aug 2008 at 9:33 pm #

    True indeed, Nista206, true indeed.

  42. AmethystNo Gravatar on 25 Aug 2008 at 9:35 pm #

    Is that what “wifey” is? I thought it meant the real thing. I have heard men call their real wives this, but, huumm I am really out of touch with reality. It’s a good thing I read these blogs; keeps me current.

    I guess I don’t get it, why would someone call you “wifey” if you’re not???? Maybe I’m too old to understand; I’ll just keep reading the blogs.

  43. LisaNo Gravatar on 26 Aug 2008 at 8:39 am #

    Im so glad that someone finally pointed out that Wifey is a cop-out for men who are not willing to give the extra step to commit. Now,Wifey is a “term of endearment, in Europe that a man gives his WIFE, but here it just means that the man is not willing to take the relationship any further than it is. His Motto “If it aint broke, dont fix it”. My motto “KEEP IT MOVIN”

  44. NikoleNo Gravatar on 27 Aug 2008 at 2:29 am #

    How many times are you allowed to co-sign on something? This wifey b.s. is all about our fear as women to want, desire and expect more. The fear of being w/o love is so great that having something has become better than having nothing at all. Whats crazy is that most who live this way no that its wrong and hate it but lack the esteem to jump up and bounce. We are so worth it…why can’t we see it?

  45. DaniNo Gravatar on 30 Aug 2008 at 11:19 am #

    I just found this blog and find the comments quite interesting. I am apparently in the minority right now, but it appears that by the language we are using (ie. “I’m good enough for a man to marry me”) we are still placing ourselves in a passive position by saying that the male is in the dominant, active role — in other words, he is the one doing the marrying. I am a 43 y.o. never married woman who owns her own home, car and sends her honor roll son to private boarding school and at this point in my life I am hard-pressed to risk what I have gained, including peace of mind, by marrying someone who statistically will not be faithful anyway. (please read — statiscically, I’m sure there are a couple of monogomous men somewhere). I am tired of folks telling me, “you shoulda married so and so; or so and so shoulda married you.” For what??!! So I can say I’m married, find out he’s a cheating bozo and wind up with half or less of everything I’ve contributed to after the divorce?? Or stay in a marriage for the sake of being the tropy wife but knowing that he’s cheating? I am quite content at my age to enjoy dating 1 or 2 men or if inclined, 3. I am quite content to come back to my mortgage-free home and chill in peaceful solitude or, if I desire, invite a ‘hubby’ over for dinner & an HBO movie (hopefully dinner that he will come and cook!!)

  46. mzvirgoNo Gravatar on 01 Sep 2008 at 4:51 pm #

    The term “Wifey” is just an excuse to not get married. I hate that term and you are right, no one should have to settle for being called that or a “bust it baby” or any other name.

  47. Kit (Keep It Trill)No Gravatar on 09 Sep 2008 at 7:35 am #

    I liked your point of view, but realistically, I don’t think this trend will change as long as so many of our black men are:

    1) relentlessly racially-profiled and locked up in the profitable and growing privatized prison system,
    2) jobless or underemployed, where at best, they can only afford to rent a room or live with Mama and not live with dignity of having their own place,
    3) gay or bi, and thus unavailable to truly straight unmarried women, and/or
    4) married to a substance abuse problem, which tends to make people in general self-centered and emotionally unavailable for any kind of commitment.

  48. Latasha on 11 Sep 2008 at 5:20 pm #

    I’m divorced and don’t wish to be married again, at this time (maybe I’ll change my mind later).

    But, I wouldn’t necessarily think of it as a woman ‘settling’ for less than she’s worth because she does not aspire to marriage. It is possible she just doesn’t want to be married, but still wants affection and a companion. I believe a blogger named Lynette suggested this.

    Now for the name ‘Wifey’… I just don’t like it. Personally, it sounds too damned juvenile, for me to take seriously, regardless of whether it’s meant to be a term of endearment or a back-handed compliment/insult.

    If indeed, men are suggesting it is ‘an almost wife’, well hell…why don’t you just call me ‘SUCKER’.

    I’m sure each woman takes it for what it means to her.

  49. Anonymous on 17 Oct 2008 at 4:03 pm #

    LOOK… u need wifeys in life… too many of these black women grow up with no father.. therefore they are bitter and all that… who wants to deal with that? i mean yeah on paper it dont look good… but WTF… A MAN WILL ALWAYS WANT SEX!!!!! ALWAYS… i wish i coulda typed that all over this page.. its REALITY! notice its only the WOMEN who have a posting to this article saying somethin negative. not every women is worth marrying.. and y not take the time out to see if shes really what u want? whats the difference between wifey and fiance? a RING!!! OF COURSE! something material… something woman can show their family and friends… AS USUAL… when women start valuing the right things and having all these babies… thats when we will take them more serious… til then (and forever) WIFEY is the term to me… sorry bout reality ladies!!!

  50. REPPIN609No Gravatar on 17 Oct 2008 at 4:04 pm #

    LOOK… u need wifeys in life… too many of these black women grow up with no father.. therefore they are bitter and all that… who wants to deal with that? i mean yeah on paper it dont look good… but WTF… A MAN WILL ALWAYS WANT SEX!!!!! ALWAYS… i wish i coulda typed that all over this page.. its REALITY! notice its only the WOMEN who have a posting to this article saying somethin negative. not every women is worth marrying.. and y not take the time out to see if shes really what u want? whats the difference between wifey and fiance? a RING!!! OF COURSE! something material… something woman can show their family and friends… AS USUAL… when women start valuing the right things and having all these babies… thats when we will take them more serious… til then (and forever) WIFEY is the term to me… sorry bout reality ladies!!!

  51. hotmamaNo Gravatar on 17 Oct 2008 at 10:51 pm #

    i don’t like wifey either. why just not make it legal. its sad how we don’t want marriage but we still want the benefits but actually we receive no benefits especially when it counts. you can be with a person 7 years or more and if he or she dies you get nothing. whatever you put in you do not get back. his or her fam steps in takes what the 2 of you worked hard to get. this how it works in my state. if your man is not going to marry you but you are planning on staying together, ya better get a will typed up quick fast and in a hurry. i saw this happen to a close family friend. she died and her man never married her and he died a few years later and her family received nothing. his family got what she put in for 22 years. now her only relative is suing because she and her relative(brother) have no children at all and he is her only living heir. this is not a term of endearment to me. it is an insult. your my “wifey” not my legal “wife”. so you are only good enough for the “wifey” term. sad. very sad.

  52. jewelryrockstarNo Gravatar on 21 Oct 2008 at 9:40 am #

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  53. CdubbNo Gravatar on 07 Nov 2008 at 11:51 am #

    Tonya on 18 Aug 2008 at 9:32 am #

    Don’t believe the hype! There is someone for everyone so Ladies, don’t settle for less! “Wifey” – WTF kind of term is that?! What’s the male equivalent, does anybody know? Probably isn’t one.
    And Jam, thank you for the new post! (LOL!)

    There is a term for men…it’s called SUGAR DADDY

  54. Cali on 10 Nov 2008 at 8:08 am #

    This one is trippy for me – while I still hope to marry someday & believe I deserve to be loved, I’m trying to make peace w/ the fact that it may not happen for me but it’s difficult. I came out of a long, unsatisfying relationship years ago & decided I wasn’t gonna settle again, I was holding out for a relationship worth investing in & a man worth my love. Know what that lead to? A few YEARS of celibacy, which I don’t wanna revisit!!! YEARS people, shit was rough!!

    So after swearing never to go backwards in life, I’m now seeing that same old flame, constantly trying to keep my feelings in check b/c I already know (based on our past) that this will never qualify as the real thing. & with the casual nature of our arrangement, I just ASSUME he sees other women… kinda like he did when we were TOGETHER, the bastid…

    It’s sad man, but until I meet someone that’s really IN IT with me, wtf am I supposed to do? Men aren’t the only ones who have needs. & let’s be honest – toys are nice, but they just can’t do the trick like a man can.

    Bottom line: it’s nice to get the whole marriage situation sewn up early, as the need for love, companionship & in-house dick is very real. Everyone is in a different boat – some are in truly committed relationships, some are sharing without knowing it. I know what boat I’m in, I put myself in this boat but I won’t always be here. It’s easier said than done to hold out, some of us already have & frankly holding out can be as unsatisfying as settling. Just depends on where you are with things. For now, my arrangement (wack as it is) is working (I gotta expand my pool of choices, which can also be challenging).

    I fear I’ve gotten off topic, lol… but the term “wifey” doesn’t even bother me (I didn’t know it meant “side-piece”). “jump off” is pretty crass, & “bustitbaby” just makes me cringe. & there’s definitely some self esteem issues happening – on both sides!! It’s very telling that many of our young men don’t even seem to consider (let alone value) serious & sacred connection with ONE other person. & if this is the climate for us, what the hell will it be like for the youngins coming up?? Frightening…

  55. DanaNo Gravatar on 03 Dec 2008 at 12:34 am #

    Ok, so I kinda fell off with keeping up with reading CINAW. In my catching up I came across this post and HAD to comment.
    I’ve been the wifey. At the time, I didn’t realize it qualified me as a side-jawn, but it definitely did. And more than once. And, yes, it initially seemed like a term of endearment.
    Depressing to say, I’m still stuck on stupid in terms of dude. He’s since moved on to another “wifey” that he says he intends to marry. Hm. I guess she’s getting her promotion. *shrug*

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  56. Anonymous on 04 Dec 2008 at 6:11 am #

    what aload of bull…, what differance does it make wife or wifey.I can’t beleive people who are so negative and like minded, goes to show for the guy who wrote up in the first place, bet he’s the one with the low self esteem and most of the others.
    maybe he uses it as a term for the women he’s treated bad in his life or if married his mistress.

    A Wifey
    young indendent women who is of wife material such as Girlfriend or fiancee.

    And critizing black people is disgusting you make out it’s black men have no respect or dignity for women,
    black women are suffering from low self-esteem and accept men for their bad behaviour
    again what aload of shit
    plus there is no term in the Dictionary for wifey only wife or wives
    so who is anybody to state what a wifey represents

    just because of somebodie’s interpretaton of a Song,it seems to have blinded you into really beleiving it fool

  57. Anonymous on 04 Dec 2008 at 6:13 am #

    The Male term is hubby

  58. NatashaNo Gravatar on 07 Dec 2008 at 1:23 am #

    Thank you so much for writing this article!Finally someone who agrees with me.

  59. LiliNo Gravatar on 15 Dec 2008 at 10:01 pm #

    Ive been trying to explain my thoughts on the term “wifey” and the difference between someones wife and wifey. To me a “wifey” will never measure up to someones “wife”. I feel that a “wifey” is just for play(for a lack of better words). They’re not taken seriously. I think thats why that term is most commonly used in the young community(Im a teen).

    I just got into it with my boyfriend’s ex, she claims to be his “wifey” so I told her that she can keep that title. I know my postion and its not to be consider as someones “wifey”.

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    ~yours truly!

  77. DaniNo Gravatar on 28 Mar 2009 at 5:21 pm #

    I agree with the author for the most part, except the part where she says, “It actually sounds rather sweet.”

    I absolutely abhor this term. Absolutely. For me, it’s right down there will boo, shorty/shawyty, and baby mama/daddy.

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