Thursday, July 17, 2008

The Thirty Worries

thirty+worries+pic The Thirty Worries

Have you ever caught yourself watching “Intervention” on A & E while drinking? And you know you’re only one bottle away from that cheap motel room surrounded by friends and family? But that’s another post for another day.
What I will talk about however is the fact that all the thirty-somethings I know, including me, seem to be drowning in stress. Its an odd phenomena however because for the most part these people have no “real” problems. They are generally healthy attractive, educated, make good money, own homes and cars. Some are single, some are married. Some have children, others are child-free. Some are artists, some are stuffed shirts. Some are straight, some are gay. All are relatively well-adjusted, smart, motivated men and women who have the bulk of their upwardly mobile lives in front if them. But all that doesn’t stop us from being scared to death. I call this condition the Thirty Worries.
I will be the first to admit that my thirties have been the highlight of my life. In my teens I was awkward, insecure and socially maladjusted. In my twenties, I got a little more attractive and had an absolute blast but I was silly, drank too much, wasted a lot of time and made lots of bad choices. So here come the thirties, I got some good sense and I was suddenly comfortable in my own skin. After the death of my father I became fearless. My close encounter with mortality made me look at life differently. I live every day to the fullest. I refuse to be miserable or settle or let others define who I should be. I am strong, confident and people seem to like me OK. My hair is tempermental but natural, I’m good to people, I wear t-shirts with profanity on them, and I love old people. I’ve applied all the life lessons I’ve learned in my teens and twenties and for all intents and purposes I’m doing okay. But that doesn’t stop me from being constantly stressed out about where my life is going.
It’s a stress I haven’t quite experienced before. There’s something about your thirties that adds a certain gravitas to every decision. Everything becomes some kind of crossroad. Every date is a potential spouse, every job is a major career move, each period brings you closer to running out of eggs. There is an enormous amount of self-imposed pressure to figure it all out. Whatever “it” is. Forget the fact that you are currently doing just fine, you feel like you have to have the plan all together. You must know what you’ll be doing for the next 20 years. Otherwise, theres like a big black hole of life staring at you. And its terrifying. All of the possibilities and infinite choices that were exciting in our twenties turn into angst and doubt about what direction we’re going in. We tell ourselves that if we don’t have it all figured out by now, we’re in trouble, irresponsible and doomed to a life of wandering aimlessly.
Friends who have jobs now wonder is this really what they want to do, friends who don’t have jobs feel like abject losers, those of us who have our own businesses wonder if we should pursue a career path with a little more security ( and money) and those who want to start businesses struggle with the decision whether to leave the safety of their current positions for an uncertain future.
Its like all of a sudden we become too sensible. We feel as if its too late to make any major mistakes. The stakes are suddenly so high for everything. Do you want children? We are afraid if we don’t have kids we’ll regret it and afraid if we do have kids…we’ll regret it. Yet at some point ( and soon) a decision must be made.
In the meantime we try to drown out the cacophony in our heads with cocktails and prescription drugs and sex and Ritalin, gossip blogs and Golden Girls re-runs (ok, maybe that’s just me). And its odd because at any point if someone asked you what you were worried about, its doubtful you would be able to articulate exactly what was bothering you. On paper you look awesome. You have checked off all the items on the checklist that are supposed to guarantee a successful life. But somehow, strangely, you feel anything but successful. In fact, its like the war in Iraq, you no longer have any idea what success really means. Is it domestic bliss, moguldom, being independent and free? You no longer know, but you feel like you need to figure it out. And fast.
There was an article in the Washington Post a while ago about whether having too many choices actually contributed to stress and unhappiness in people’s lives. I’m starting to see that maybe there’s something to that. Because most of us can choose to do whatever we want, our failures or our shortcomings are all our own. There’s no blaming society, glass ceilings, discrimination, lack of opportunity—it’s just you and your decisions. When things go bad, it’s you and your decisions. When things go great, it’s you and your decisions.
And when you have no idea what the next ten years will look like ( and I mean NO idea)…. It all comes down to you and your decisions. The thirty worries.
I need a drink.

81 Responses to “The Thirty Worries”

  1. T.Allen-Mercado on 17 Jul 2008 at 10:51 pm #

    *Laughing* So true, at 35 I have the business, the children, the husband, the home and I feel pretty good. What am I worried about you might ask? Well I’m worried that I’m going to be blinsided by some shit I forgot to worry about. I’m so glad you shared your angst, you’ve validated the semmingly rehearsed nods of my therapist and grandma’s “mmm hmm baby”. They have lived through the Worried Thirties already and we will too. But until then, what are you drinking?

  2. ~J on 18 Jul 2008 at 1:05 pm #

    Well Jam, You’ve nailed it again as paragraph 5(and 6) sums up my life and the life of those around me. And as you can see, at least for now, I’ve remembered my password (^.^)

    Enjoy your weekend.

  3. ~J on 18 Jul 2008 at 1:07 pm #

    uhhh ~j is JaBe

  4. jamdonaldson on 18 Jul 2008 at 1:15 pm #

    i wish just thinking, “J”??? thanks for clarifying!!! :-) And to T. Allen-Mercado, I’m def a vodka girl.

  5. Yuseff on 18 Jul 2008 at 1:57 pm #

    This is definitely me. I’m 35, single, no kids, good income but what could come next scares the mess out of me.

  6. Anonymous on 18 Jul 2008 at 3:05 pm #

    It’s like you were reading my mind!!! I’m 32 and am CONSTANTLY worrying about everything….I spend lots of time of gossip blogs trying to block out my own worries…

  7. nista206 on 18 Jul 2008 at 3:51 pm #

    Well… I'm 26 & I'm already there, so wth will 30 be like????

  8. Anonymous on 18 Jul 2008 at 4:14 pm #

    You need to stay out of my head…There a bottle of chardonnay chilling in my fridge, waiting for me right now.

  9. Ericka on 18 Jul 2008 at 4:24 pm #

    Hmm… nice to know I’m not alone in this. I just keep trying to be happy with what I have, and remember how much better it is than when I was twenty-ish, but still can’t get over the feeling that I’ve chosen wrong – and will hate myself for it in ten years. But, I’m paralyzed by the fear that if I choose something else to do, I’ll end up thinking that what I’m doing now was the “right” thing to do. And I thought it was grad school that did this to people :)

  10. Anonymous on 18 Jul 2008 at 4:39 pm #

    Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. JOHN 14:27

  11. Anonymous on 18 Jul 2008 at 5:50 pm #

    Thanks again, Jam! You finally pinned a name on what I’ve been going through for 2 years now, and getting worse. I am 34 and getting married next week. This made me feel better.

    Clare

  12. Star on 18 Jul 2008 at 6:43 pm #

    First, I want to say I absolutely love reading your blogs and I thought I was the only person on this side of creation that understood “conversate is not a word”.

    Secondly this blog hits really close to home for me because I’m 29 and going crazy. I had it all planned out and nothing is where its supposed to be and I am freaking out. I have the jitters worse than you because a drink just don’t do it for me. I had to smoke weed to calm down. Now that I’ve quit smoking I’m a total mess constantly worrying and constantly planning and re-planning, evaluating and re-evaluating. I guess the only comforet WE have is knowing we arent the only ones going through it. I was so confident in my early twenties. I knew where I was going, how I was going to get there and when. Now my life is a mess and I dont see a way out. I just have confidence that I’ll make it. You will too.

    You are smart and articulate. Sassy, fun, socially and morally conscious. You seem to have struck a good balance. You will be okay and you may have a few regrets but make them count!!!! Keep writing…

  13. April on 18 Jul 2008 at 7:22 pm #

    man, i thought it was just me. guess i’m not crazy after all. nice to know i’m not alone. i don’t drink… maybe i should.

  14. Kelz on 18 Jul 2008 at 7:40 pm #

    Will you get out of my head! lol How did you know?! I think it’s a new medical condition call “The-Thirty-Something-Syndrome” smiles And don’t worry…you are not alone on the Golden Girls re-runs…lmao

  15. Elizabeth on 18 Jul 2008 at 8:56 pm #

    I can totally feel this blog. This is the first time I’ve read your blog but I might be hooked. I’m 34 and there is so much anxiety with my 35th b-day coming up. Not to mention, I’m a writer so it’s like double the strength. Thanks for putting it all in perspective. The whole idea of having children scares me, but I want them. Sigh.

  16. Anonymous on 18 Jul 2008 at 11:01 pm #

    Everything you said is right on target. I was in the midst of the thirty-worries, and I went out and bought a damn dog; now I have to worry about the both of us… lol.

    It feels like a part of my brain exploded when I turned thirty. What happened to the twenty-year-old fearless me? She abandoned me, and left (in her place) a scared, confused thirty-year-old who feels like every decision is life or death.

    Thanks for giving voice to that one. I am working toward (this is another thing: I feel like I am always working toward something! lol) managing those emotions as I deal with real life.

    Peace.

    ~Ramona

  17. Anonymous on 19 Jul 2008 at 12:46 pm #

    This is so REFRESHINGLY true!! Thanks for reminding me that I’m not in this alone.

  18. ms_mac on 19 Jul 2008 at 4:14 pm #

    Well said Jam! Dam gurl, you related to Ms Cleo or something?

  19. jamdonaldson on 19 Jul 2008 at 6:55 pm #

    hey ramona, i gotta dog too!!! LOL!! They say dogs are the new kids! :-)

  20. Just Marlon on 20 Jul 2008 at 11:17 am #

    Wow, I feel like you are my long lost twin sister or something.

    As far as the Thirty-Worries I agree with it being a crossroad or middle ground where there is no time to waste. Every decision is life altering. I didn’t go back to college until I was 30, I start work this fall on my masters. All through my twenties I was not worried about school, a future, etc because in the back of my mind was the thought “there’s plenty of time.” Now I feel like that damn rabbit from Alice In Wonderland.
    Add to that the stress of being able to look over my shoulder and see the twenty-somethings rising up.
    If I wasn’t self-medicating with vodka or Crown I’d probably be locked away in a padded cell.
    (Oh, and I ALWAYS watch Intervention while drinking)

  21. Shag on 20 Jul 2008 at 6:32 pm #

    I’m 27 and I’m already having the thirty worries, and I’ve already got raspberry vodka in my fridge right now waiting to be made into several martinis. I’m already stressed, already not knowing where I’m going career wise. It’s like everything I planned isn’t going the way I wanted it to. I’ve already got the good husband, (bless him), a mortgage, and a job I despise, and migraines like hell to go along with it. Add to that I’m back in school to get a master’s degree in a major that I probably won’t be able to use to my advantage. Somethings gotta give, though. Because if I’m like this now, what will I be like when I turn 30?

  22. nista206 on 21 Jul 2008 at 12:45 am #

    Shag, my sentiments exactly. I don't have the husband, but I have everything else. What are you majoring in? I'm thinking about going back for a master's in anthropology & communications…. have no idea what I can do w/ those. I'm in acctg right now & it's a great industry, but I know that I'm supposed to be somewhere else doing something else.

    I would recommend that everyone on this blog read A New Earth. I've been so stressed lately about my career, & I doubt myself so much, but reading that book has helped me to not worry about the things that I can't change right now, & that I'm my own worse enemy… stressing about things only creates negative energy & nothing productive can come from that type of energy.

  23. Anonymous on 21 Jul 2008 at 1:12 pm #

    Jam,

    You gotta dog, too!?! ROFL. You are right; they are the new kids!

    Peace.

    ~Ramona

  24. MissJay on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:15 pm #

    nista206 we are the same age. I think for us it’s the “almost 30 worries”. It may be because we feel like we should be stable by 30 and not still trying to figure it out.

  25. Get Togetha on 21 Jul 2008 at 5:32 pm #

    I’m laughing and crying at the same time reading these comments. Jam, you brought the truth with this post. It really resonated with me because I’m a thirty something who is trying to do it all before 40. I don’t want to look back at my life and say that I didn’t do it my way.

    I’ve got the wonderful husband, no kids, business, the degrees, but what was missing was being in touch with my spirit. And no matter what we all want to know the purpose of life and our being here. One thing I know for sure: The things, people and titles don’t give us peace of mind; its our spirits and our connection to humanity that give us peace of mind. Money is great! But it won’t give you peace of mind cause you’ll be stressing about how to keep it and protect it. Ask any millionaire.

    I tell myself this and I will tell all of my fellow bloggers this: Act in spite of fear, follow your heart, and make your happiness priority number one. Your heart/intuition will never steer you wrong as long as you trust it. Every time I didn’t trust my intuition I ended up making a poor choice.

  26. Anonymous on 21 Jul 2008 at 6:01 pm #

    My girlfriend has a serious case of this ailment at 28. I was just calling her “crazy”. Thanks for the diagnosis. I also would like to tell you that you are a breath of fresh air. Keep it coming.

    Cajun Made

  27. Shag on 22 Jul 2008 at 2:02 am #

    nista,

    I’m majoring in Criminal Justice. There’s really not much you can do with a master’s in criminal justice, unless you want to teach. And since I’m a former juvie/hot mess I can’t do that either. LOL gotta love it.

  28. Anonymous on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:53 pm #

    Jam,

    You have been reading my mind. I too watch intervention usually with a glass of something alcoholic in my hand.

    I’m 32 and am constantly worrying about the thing around the corner that I can’t control or plan, staying stressed out about EVERYTHING. Nice to know I’m not the only one

  29. MerBear on 22 Jul 2008 at 10:50 pm #

    Girl I feel you and I am only 29 yet. The fact that you have so many choices is awesome, but then you know that if you F up, it’s on you. Still, we should try and be happy that we have the choices, especially as women who didn’t always have all of these opportunities.

  30. nista206 on 23 Jul 2008 at 1:31 am #

    O no, Shag! So, why not do something else?

  31. inthelou on 23 Jul 2008 at 4:04 pm #

    Oh, god this is so me. Thanks for laying it out so clearly because I sure as hell can’t. Fortunately, I’m starting to come to terms with my life and appreciate all that I have: a good husband, a cute dog, a modest, but nice house, a steady job (not my ideal job, but it pays the bills), loving parents, crazy in-laws who live nowhere near me and never will, and some of the best friends a person can have. Right now, debt and kids (I’m 36 and my eggs are getting any younger) are the only worry. But really, when aren’t they? As far as kids go, I’ve decided if it happens, great. IF not, well that’s more money I can save for travel and retirement.

  32. Shag on 23 Jul 2008 at 6:27 pm #

    LOL nista,
    Because I love criminology. I could live and breathe the stuff if I could. I mean, studying criminal justice made it so much easier to relate to my relatives. Ha. Honestly I figured that if I could major in something that could help people before they screwed up like I did, it would be worth it. Unfortunately, Texas ain’t havin it.

  33. nista206 on 24 Jul 2008 at 1:03 pm #

    Haha! You’re in Texas?? So, am I! Houston. That’s good that you want to help people; I do also…. someday.

  34. OG, The Original Glamazon on 24 Jul 2008 at 3:34 pm #

    The Indian chick I work with says that Americans have too many choices and that is our problem! *lol* So maybe you are on to something.

    I’m 35 and have come to a great place in life where I live life in the now. I try my best to be present for my life the Now as it happens. Not too focused on the future not to haunted by the past. I must admit it has taken a few years of really hard self-reflection and introspection to get here, but I can say I am happy with my life and where I am and that I have Zen, I don’t see anything that happens to me as good or bad but things that happen. However I think you are right lots of thirtysomethings have these “worries” about life.

    I have to give big ups to Houston since the Texas shout outs seem to be happening! Man I miss home, but Boston is just temporary so I’m enjoying the east coast swang until my time here is up! Chad in my heart DJ Screw in my cup!

    -OG

  35. Shag on 24 Jul 2008 at 5:30 pm #

    yep, nista, up here in fort worth…home of billy bob’s and yuckmouths.

  36. nista206 on 25 Jul 2008 at 1:18 am #

    Og, that's a good philosophy… I'm coming off of my worry-frenzy & starting to appreciate the "now" a lot more, so hopefully it'll be something that I can continue doing, b/c worrying is so unhealthy.

  37. Dirty30 on 25 Jul 2008 at 3:17 am #

    I turned 30 this year as well as some of my closest girlfriends. I felt like this year would be pinnacle and it was because I lost my job, one I had for several years. All stability and security out the window. It also couldn’t have happened at a more difficult time with the job market in the toilet. Not what I expected and definitely an eye opening experience, but turning 30 has been good in some regards. It woke me up to some things that I was doing wrong and now I have 10 years to get it right before another pinnacle birthday, lol. Me and my friends are looking at 30 much like you described. We are questioning careers, stressing about bills and worrying about maintaining our homes. I guess when you enter your thirties you go “ok now I have to grow up. I can’t be a twenty-something still making dumb decisions. I’ve actually got to get it together.” Terms like retirement and IRA’s take on a new meaning and it’s no longer a subject your parents talked about. Now you have to get cracking on those things. As if I need anything else to worry about! *Sigh* The thirty worries.

  38. ShyBlue on 25 Jul 2008 at 10:03 pm #

    OH THANK GOD!! I remember when I was in my teens I hung around a few of these “30-something worriers” (babysitting, friends parents, co-workers, etc…) and wondering “what is wrong with these people? I won’t ever let myself get like that! All they do is worry and stress, they don’t know how to have fun and enjoy life.” And now at 34 with kids, and house payment I thought I was developing some mental illness! (Seriously) I mean this shit will keep you up at night, and give you anxiety attacks if you let it. It will take all of the joy out of your accomplishments and prevent you from trying new things or attempting new successes, it’s ridiculous! I am so relieved to know that I’m not going crazy, it’s just a phase. Thanks again for tellin’ it like it is, and I’ll see you at the liquor store!

  39. Anonymous on 27 Jul 2008 at 7:12 pm #

    Jam… Thanks for the insight! I was wondering when all this stress would abate… I’m 35 now, so apparently, another 5 years, lol. I can’t tell you how wonderful it’s been reading your blog. You may have just formed another addict. Keep ‘em pouring!

  40. Anonymous on 28 Jul 2008 at 5:53 pm #

    Just turned 30… glad to see I’m not alone on this one. Thanks for posting.

  41. Anonymous on 01 Aug 2008 at 5:59 pm #

    Jam. Thank God for you. You took the thoughts right out of my head with this one. I’m severely worried in my thirties and every decision seems monumental and my mind is frequently restless, (unless I’m watching the Colbert Report, when it’s filled with only love and joy)..I digresss…..

    Anyway I also loved the convo re: black in America. I did watch (I just love documentaries).

    I keep on feeling like I don’t belong – I’m definitely not white and don’t aspire to it at all, but yet find I can’t relate to so much of what is supposed to equal being “black in America”, e.g. glorify poverty, victimization, basketball and poor grammar.

    I’ve mostly chalked my feeling of alienation to fact that I’m a Jamaican immigrant who grew up middle class and well-educated.

    Your blog is like a revelation. I’m not that odd, I’ve just hadn’t found my peeps yet. Thanks to this whole community for making me feel “normal”.

  42. Anonymous on 01 Aug 2008 at 10:44 pm #

    This is the first time i took a look at your blog. Love the title. I was having this conversation with a friend last night, so I appreciate your insight. I also feel relieved that I am not alone or crazy.

  43. Sky on 02 Aug 2008 at 8:43 pm #

    LAAAAAAAAAWD! IF THIS AIN’T THE REALEST SHYT I HAVE EVER READ! I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY CHICK THAT FELT LIKE THIS….AND I MEAN THEE ON-LEEEE! BUT I’M NOT. I’M 30 AND I CAN RELATE TO THE FOLLOWING:

    It’s a stress I haven’t quite experienced before. There’s something about your thirties that adds a certain gravitas to every decision. Everything becomes some kind of crossroad. Every date is a potential spouse, every job is a major career move, each period brings you closer to running out of eggs.

    AND DEFINITELY THIS ONE CAUSE I DON’T HAVE ANY KIDS BECAUSE I WANT TO BE MARRIED FIRST. BUT NOW MY FRIENDS HAVE KIDS. SOME MARRIED AND SOME NOT. I’M AN ONLY CHILD SO MY MOMMA AND ‘NEM ASKING ME WHEN I’MMA HAVE A BABY CAUSE THEY WANNA HAVE THE ENERGY TO KEEP UP, BUT THEY NO I’M NOT EVEN DATING (NOT BY CHOICE) AND SO THE MENSESESES DEPARTMENT AIN’T EVEN HAPPENING FOR THE BABY DEPARTMENT TO BE HAPPENIN’. *SIGH*

    Its like all of a sudden we become too sensible. We feel as if its too late to make any major mistakes. The stakes are suddenly so high for everything. Do you want children? We are afraid if we don’t have kids we’ll regret it and afraid if we do have kids…we’ll regret it. Yet at some point ( and soon) a decision must be made.

    WOW. THIS BLOG IS REAL TALK

    -SKYBOOGAH FROM ATL BY WAY BALTIMORE.

  44. Mistyblue on 03 Aug 2008 at 2:52 am #

    I know I’m late to the party but I just HAD to comment on this one. I’m 31 with 32 staring me in the face and I feel everything you mentioned. Hopefully by reading the comments of other, wiser, 30-somethings, I’ll gain more perspective.

  45. Sonia on 03 Aug 2008 at 4:13 am #

    Holy s**t I thought I was the only one. And it’s not like I’m not living a good life either.

    But because we’re at an age where most of us have already embarked on some kind of path, it’s hard not to wonder if we shouldn’t have taken that other turn five years ago. Me, I wonder if I should be getting married or if I’m going to be that spinster aunt every family has. And then I worry about whether I really want to be married anyway. Then I worry if I’m making enough money to even start a family (alone or not). There’s definitely that feeling of whether I’ve missed some kind of boat I didn’t even know about. My married-with-children friends feel like they’ve missed out on their own lives by starting families early.

    I worry about whether I worry enough or that I’m worrying too much. How’s that for sick?

  46. Anonymous on 12 Aug 2008 at 5:01 pm #

    What ya’ll yunguns should be worrin bout is those less fortunate, now that’s summin to be worrin bout. THINK ABOUT IT!!!

  47. ms.friendly on 21 Aug 2008 at 5:47 pm #

    OMG! Are you reading my mind? I totally commiserate. I feel so much pressure to use these last “good” years to get closer to the goals I set for myself upon the exit of undergraduate school. As of now, I do have a Master’s (one down)…but the Ph.D. damn it!!!!! …And my profession…(groaning inwardly)…I never WANTED to be a teacher, yet here I am…knee-deep into eight years…all the while screaming “I should be a writer! I should be a professor!”

    I have a friend from high school who now lives in NYC. He makes a living via his graphic design business. He’s quite successful and I hate him because he and his friends go out and club every night, they take trips to places like Costa Rica at least once a year, and he makes a living from the labor of his soul’s desires! I am still a part of the corporate plantation. Working in education is no different than working for the army…you do what you’re told. PERIOD.

    I feel the clock ticking. In fact, it’s ticking so loudly that I have no inclination towards garnering a meaningful relationship (i.e. marriage) because I know that it will be another distraction towards the attainment of my goals. I don’t want a husband and children to depend on me when I am letting myself down…

    I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way. I love your blog!

    http://www.msfriendly.wordpress.com

  48. AprillNo Gravatar on 25 Aug 2008 at 11:40 am #

    I just turned 30 2 weeks ago…and this is right on! lol.

    thanks jam!

  49. VEeNo Gravatar on 03 Sep 2008 at 2:52 pm #

    Really great post.

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