Friday, January 4, 2008
Here are the top 20 Hot Ghetto Messes of 2007. Makes you wanna holler and throw up your hands.
In no particular orderâ€¦.
1. Prophetess Juanita Bynum & Bishop Edwin Weeks
It doesnâ€™t get much worse than this: A highly revered religious figure getting a hot ghetto mess beatdown in a hotel parking lot by her highly revered religious husband. Jesus take the wheel. And then four hours later Bynum posts pics of her bruises on the internet? WTF? As Fresh at C & D would say, something in the milk ainâ€™t clean about this whole thing. At this point Iâ€™m just waiting for the rivers of blood and locusts. Cause if this is how church leaders get down, there aint much hope for us mere mortals. BTW if she is a prophetess, shouldnt she have seen this attack coming? Holy hot ghetto mess Batman!
2. Guy Suing Over His Pants
This idiot. A Washington D.C. magistrate judge, Roy Pearson sued his dry cleaners for 54 million dollars for losing a pair of his pants. He rejected offers to settle, first for $3,000, then for $4,600 and finally for $12,000. He lost of course, and made a spectacle of himself and the legal process. Although they prevailed in the court case, due to excessive legal fees, the cleaners had to close. Roy Pearson, you and your pants are hot ghetto mess. Heavy starch.
3. U.S. Congress
They came in with big hopes and big dreams. They told us to elect them and they would end the war and change the world. What they neglected to mention is just how many of them we needed to elect to make a difference. Without a 60 vote majority in the Senate (which would prevent a filibuster), the Dems in Congress cant pass shit. Talk about bamboozled and led astray. Much ado about nothing.
4. OJ Arrested
Lawdy Bee. 2007 had run its course relatively smoothly and then this ninja pops back up. He gets arrested trying to house his shit back from the shady low-lifes who stole it and who are now trying to sell it out of a cheap Vegas motel room. It donâ€™t get much more of a hot ghetto mess than that. It was pretty pitiful, and if he hadnâ€™t killed those two people, I just may have felt bad for him.
5. Britney Spears
Nuff said. Empirical evidence that hot ghetto mess crosses all color lines.
6. Larry Craig
Craig had his drink and his two-step going in a bathroom stall (allegedly) trying to cop a quick BJ before he headed home to his wife. Word is he had to pass about 5 bathrooms to get to the â€œhot spotâ€ bathroom known for random sexual encounters between gay men. Mayun, the only thing I’ve gotten in a public restroom is urine on the bottom of my pants. What a hot ghetto mess.
7. Subprime Loans
Yes, Im talking to you. For all yall who failed to read the fine print or who got loans you cant afford ( and you knew it) this is for you. If you are a mortgage broker or a lender and sold loans to people you KNEW wouldnâ€™t be able to make the payments , this is for you. I believe I speak for all Americans who are now paying the price for these nimrods. Your ARM mortgage was a hot ghetto mess.
8. R & B and Hip Hop
I hate to say it but aside from Kanye and Jill Scott (and maybe Jay-Z and Nas and Lupe ) this has been one of the worst years ever for black music. R & B and Hip hop has officially become straight bullshit. I mean all this T-pain and J Holliday bullshit they play ad nauseum on all these â€œblackâ€ stations is out of control. Rihanna, the Queen of R & B? Are you kidding me? From a culture that defined soul and hip hop and R & B, we should be ashamed at the product being put out. Whenever Justin Timberlake, Amy Winehouse, and Robin Thicke are the hottest niggas in the game, something is terribly wrong.
9. Veterans Affairs
Itâ€™s a crying shame. We send soldiers to die and then donâ€™t even want to take care of them when they return as mental and physical shells of their former selves. The press revealed terrible deficiencies at Walter Reed and in general with the health care of vets and their families. So U.S. Military and U.S. Veterans Administration, yâ€™all are a hot ghetto mess.
10. Gas Prices
11. Shuttle Love
The most amusing/disturbing/hot ghetto mess love triangle in years was brought to us straight from NASA. From Pluto to pepper spray, this story had it all. Love, hate, Depends undergarments. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1—Lisa Nowak, you are a woman scorned and also a hot ghetto mess.
12. Mass Shooters
>Whatâ€™s so sad is that mass shootings in this country have become so common that it barely makes the news. When Columbine went down they interrupted programs and had all types of special reports. Nowadays weâ€™re lucky if it even makes the lead story. Hey mass shooters, when you are considering these murder-suicides, why donâ€™t you drop the murder part.
13. Celebrity Criminals
These idiots. From Michael Vick to T.I. to Lindsay Lohan to Paris Hilton to Keifer Sutherland to Foxy Brown . They all showed us how having looks, opportunity, fame and fortune doesnâ€™t mean you still cant make a disaster of your lives and disappoint those who supported your careers. Thanks guys!
14. Celebrities Caught-on-Tape
Whether its Mel Gibson, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Alec Baldwin or Kim Kardashian– in this era of Youtube and cell phone video and voice mailâ€”more celebs ( and I use this term loosely) than ever are being caught in candid recordings saying and doing some very unflattering things. From David Hasselhoffâ€™s drunk knight rider ass eating that hamburger on the floor to Baldwin giving his daughter a good what-for via voicemail, stars are showing their asses as the world just sits back and shakes our collective heads. Kim Kardashianâ€™s crazy cat lady voicemail to Ray-J and Dog The Bounty Hunters using the n-word like it was going out of style clearly demonstrate that these â€œstarsâ€ are just as ignorant and fucked up as the rest of us. But for real, the world would be a better place if more parents handed out tongue lashings like Alec Baldwin. If you are an A-thru-F-list celebrity and have been caught on tape doing God knows what this year, then you are a hot ghetto mess.
15. Chinese Imports
The Chinese are killing us softly. In addition to a 200 billion dollar trading deficit with China and them buying up the U.S. like a rapper in a jewelry store,â€”now they are straight poisoning us with a bunch of lead toys and bad food. And the US is such a slave to China, we arenâ€™t doing anything about it. Yâ€™all may make all these salt-pepper-ketchup jokes but I foresee all of us in blue jumpsuits being forced labor in a Chinese factory based in Chicago any day now. Trade relations and Chinese imports are a hot ghetto mess. Whatchuwantonit? We had a rhyme when I was a kid that went “Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee pee in your Coke…”– who knew it was an premonition.
It seemed like there were more stories than ever this year about kids being brutalized and killed. What is going on in America? Every other week a kid has been beaten to death, chained in a closet, raped, tortured or otherwise victimized all over the country. And if its not a kid, itâ€™s a pregnant woman being killed. Its really disturbing how prevalent these stories are now. They say the children are our future but how can they be if weâ€™re killing them, putting them in boxes and sending them down a river? Child abusers and pregnant woman killers, youâ€™re a hot ghetto mess.
17. The Middle East & Africa
OK, I mean WTF. They are really off the hook. Sometimes you just want to go over there and tell those folks to just go to the gym, have a starbucks coffee, eat fast food, listen to their ipod, take drugs and chill the fuck out. Just like the rest of the Western world. All that suicide bombing and killing and lashing and stoning and sectarian violencing and mass graving and women subordinating and female circumcising and rigged electioning and civil warringâ€”all that shit is a hot ghetto mess. Iâ€™ll take the hood any day of the week.
18. Steroid Takers
I say we make steroids legal so the playing field will be level again. Everyoneâ€™s balls will be the size of acorns and women’s tits will shrink up, but so be it, weâ€™ll have a good game.
19. Dumb Ass Black Protests
With the exception of the Jena Six march, 2007 was a banner year for dumb ass black protests about nothing. From the protest over the hot ghetto mess TV show to the protest about Don Imus to Norbit to the march on injustice to the people protesting on the head of BETâ€™s lawn to the Congressional hearing on Hip hop to â€œactivistâ€ blogs that would protest a ham sandwich if the bread was whiteâ€”it was a year we can look back at and say, what a waste of cyberspace, picket signs and bullhorns. Yawn.
20. Kim Jung Il
BONUS HOT GHETTO MESS AWARD:
The Hot Ghetto Mess Bonus award goes to these losers who killed Washington Redskin Sean Taylor. They managed to rid the world of five black men at once. Five black
potential husbands, fathers, doctors, lawyers, teachers, mentors, community leaders. When will we get it? Look ninjas, if you want nice stuff, dont rob and kill for it. Get a job, finance it and drown in credit like the rest of us. damn. Ninjas and flies….
Hereâ€™s to a better and brighter and 2008! We got to do better.
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