Monday, May 4, 2009
He’s Not Intimidated, He Just Doesn’t Like You: The Intimidation Doctrine
Ok people I just have to say it. For a long time I was willing to give women the benefit of the doubt, but no longer. As I enter the realm of my thirties being single and anxious about just where my life is going, I know there are jillions of similarly-situated women who feel the same way. I think most women who reach their thirties and are still single go thru a range of emotions almost daily. Sometimes we feel very liberated and independent, relishing a life full of opportunities unhampered by domestic obligations. Other days we are full of fear wondering if we will ever find a mate and enjoy the benefits of companionship.
Will we find someone to experience the bigness of the world with? Will we find someone to grow old and fat with? Although we enjoy our freedom, we know there will come a day when sitting on the couch at home with a bottle of wine and a dog watching Tivo just wont do it. We wonder if we will end up dying alone only to be found after three days by a home care worker who doesn’t speak English. But enough about me.
That being said, I want to address a lie that many of us tell ourselves about why we may be alone at this stage of our lives. And though I focus on my fellow thirtiers, this really goes for all women.
Because the “single” designation is such a source of anxiety as you get older, we oft find the need to justify our status. We have these little reasons that we tell ourselves we’re alone to make us feel better. And its time for it to stop. If I hear one more woman say that men are intimidated by their success and/or independence I’m gonna scream. I call this the Intimidation Doctrine. Other than Iraq having WMD, this is one of the biggest lies of our time.
When a woman is attractive, educated, financially independent and generally successful and STILL single, many of us start to believe that our success is part of the problem. When relationships don’t work out, we automatically go into the “well, he’s just intimidated by my success” routine. And its time for us to get real with ourselves.
We have to stop making excuses for our failed relationships. Too often these excuses lay all the blame on someone else. As long as we believe that most men are intimidated by strong successful women, we fail to look at ourselves for the reasons we cannot maintain successful relationships. The Intimidation Doctrine keeps us looking outward for fault. It relinquishes us of all responsibility. And I think its holding us back.
I must admit, I have never been a follower of the Initimidation Doctrine because I KNOW I’m fucked up and have issues. (I know I can be selfish, spoiled, obnoxious and a total smart ass, but I’m working on it) However, I see too many of my fellow mature sisters relying on this theory and I think its destructive. We must start to consider what role we have in cultivating our personal relationships and stop placing the blame on everyone else but ourselves.
Maybe its not because you’re successful but perhaps because you wear your success on your sleeve, because you’re arrogant, because you are sure to let a man know in the first conversation that you don’t NEED him or anyone else.
Maybe its not because you’re successful, but perhaps because you are arrogant, a know-it-all, a snob or intolerant of others who have taken a different path in life.
Maybe its not because you’re successful, maybe you are a cold bitter bitch who believes the world owes you something. You have worked hard and made it on your own without the help of any man so you don’t want a man thinking he is doing you any favors by his presence and you let him know this as often as possible.
Maybe its not because you’re successful, maybe you have turned into a hardened, disenchanted, cynic who is annoyed that fat broke women with two kids can get a man easier than you. And your anger oozes from your pores.
Maybe its not because you are successful, but because your success is all you have. You wield it like a sword. You are always looking and waiting for the fight so you can show just how fly you are and how a man should be happy just to have someone like you. You feel you are the only prize in this relationship.
Maybe its not because you’re successful but because you are just tired. Tired of dating, tired of it not working out, tired of the game. Because you’re so tired, you go into potential relationships with little enthusiasm or excitement and you’re just a general drag.
Maybe its not because you are successful but because you are afraid. Afraid to open up, afraid to be vulnerable again, afraid to lay it all out there. You use your success as a shield that you hide behind because you are afraid of being hurt, afraid of change, afraid of letting someone else into your tightly-controlled life. You play the role of successful bad-ass because you are afraid of just being a woman. Sometimes its hard to switch from being the boss all day to being a partner, a friend. Understandable. But still your issue.
Maybe its not because you are successful but because you are closed. Closed to real love because of any combination of the reasons above.
Sometimes men aren’t intimidated by your success, but turned off by what your success has done to you. The type of person it has made you.
We can’t improve ourselves if we keep blaming our failures on others. When you look at your lack of luck in the romance department first look, inward. Listen to the feedback you’ve gotten, those things you ignored because you thought the guy was just jealous of your success and wanted to cut you down because you made him feel insecure. Just maybe he was telling the truth. Maybe he wasn’t intimidated at all. Maybe you are a mean, intolerable arrogant bitch of a woman. It could be that simple.
Now will you meet men who will be insecure with your accomplishments? Maybe. But far fewer than you make yourself believe. Stop relying on the Intimidation Doctrine to explain away your lack of love life. Start listening and start looking inward at what issues you may be bringing to the table, ways you could possibly be a better partner, lover or friend.
Open your heart and your mind to whoever may come your way. Focus on what you both are bringing to each other’s lives. Its not a competition. Try being the type of person you are looking for. Recognize and appreciate what others have to offer and know that if you are the best person you can be, you cant lose.
By no means am I saying settle for less. Keep your standards high, go after the type of life and partner you want. Just make sure your high standards apply to you too.
So let’s put away the Intimidation Doctrine. Much like “hating” its become a term we use to dismiss criticism by just placing the focus on someone else. And just like “hating” it results in us missing the opportunity to learn and improve our lives.
So next time things don’t work out, don’t go to ole reliable “he’s just intimidated by me,” and really examine your role in what went down. You may be surprised, maybe he wasn’t intimidated by you. Maybe he just doesn’t like you.
Now enough of that, Ive got a bottle of wine to finish and a Golden Girls marathon is starting…
Peace people.
Q.Deon
on 04 May 2009 at 4:47 pm #
your words always nourish me in some way
Q.Deon’s last blog post..give NO life
Dyan
on 04 May 2009 at 9:01 pm #
Jam, you are soooo spot on. I realized a while ago that I was the problem and have been trying to exorcise some of my fucked up ways.
ASmith
on 04 May 2009 at 10:48 pm #
Overall, people need to take responsibility for self. The end. Every relationship that ends does so because of 2 people, not just one. Perhaps it was one person’s action that was the straw, but both people did their part. It really does take two.
In that, black women especially, do need to be careful that we don’t convince ourselves that it’s never us, but always them. This is never the case as Jam clearly points out, but…
Jam, I don’t think we should make light of the fact that success IS intimidating for some men, perhaps because they’ve been in a relationship with a successful black woman and she was one, two, three, ALL of those things you said. Sometimes (and I hate to put this all on black men as if other men don’t do it, but I’ve not seen this in other men in the same way) black men don’t want to walk down that road, because she might be like the rest (or just the last). Intimidation IS a factor sometimes and it should be noted.
As successful black women, it’s not our job to downplay our success as for most of us, it’s truly a result of who we are. To downplay our success may mean downplaying ourselves. Rather, we should just present ourselves as ourselves and say (to an extent) “take it for what it is…” Like a friend told me earlier “read it how you want to…”
I’m cautious about showing all my cards at once. What I’ve accomplished doesn’t define me, but in getting to know me you realize WHY I’m so successful and I think too often as black women we don’t let the men see that it’s not the success that defines us, but rather us that defines our own success and that as a result, there’s plenty of room for them and what they bring to the table.
ASmith’s last blog post..Um… You Have a What??
Dr. Kiti
on 05 May 2009 at 1:54 am #
I went into this with a negative mindset, but it was open to the possibility that you had something worthwhile to say. I’m soglad I went with my gut. You’ve never let me down yet and this post was really on the money. At first I was apprehensive because I have come across many men that really were intimidated by my success and told me, not in so many words (you know how men can be), so.
As a result, I have taken the time to cultivate myself into being something better than I was before. I’m totally unapologetic when it comes to my education level and chosen profession, but I was always open and welcoming when it came to men so that they could get to know the real me, not the broad that’s ‘on’ all the time. I’ve learned to relax into who I’ve become and as a result, I’ve become a lot more fun and laid back. I was tired and angry at the dating pool; jealous of the fat broke woman with two kids who didn’t just get a man quicker than me, she married him too!
As a result of looking inward instead of outward I’m happy, free and successful, with a wonderful man by my side. I can’t believe I’m getting married in 3 months. I’d really resigned myself to being single forever.
jam donaldson
on 05 May 2009 at 2:16 am #
@Dr. Kiti Im so sick of that fat broke woman and her kids.
Congrats! Thanks for giving the rest of us hope…
Mamadoc
on 05 May 2009 at 9:35 am #
As a woman (a single woman at that) going into her 40s, I salute you Jam! Dating can be very tough when you get to my age but I go into each experience with a positive attitude and open to the idea that he’s out there somewhere & I should just enjoy.
One thing that I’ve always realized is that it’s never just “everyone else” and use the good & bad experiences to create positive changes within myself. I know that I’ve got issues as well & that I can’t expect others not to have them.
Thank you!
Mamadoc’s last blog post..The Soloist
dark matter on 05 May 2009 at 9:44 am #
i hope you don’t end up dead for 3 days Jam before anyone finds you…you deserve much better. At least within 48 hours.
Maybe you can train Albert to dial 911?
Very interesting and enlightening…
Quesha
on 05 May 2009 at 11:10 am #
wow…this is the type of posting that is sure to get some women up in arms. i completely agree with u tho. i get so tired of women going on and on and on about their degrees, careers, and their accomplishments, but at the end of the day going home alone. i wanna be successful with my man…not compete with him. and that is what it seems like some women want to do. it is not us against them…it should be us working with them.
Dammit, Jam!
on 05 May 2009 at 11:31 am #
I’m going hate you for being right for about five minutes. Then, I’ll thank you for looking at this situation from a different perspective.
Anonymous on 05 May 2009 at 11:31 am #
I love reading your posts and this one was dead on! On the flip side, though–I’ve NEVER used the Intimidation Doctrine but have had many well meaning sistah-friends try to apply it on my behalf. Truth is:
1- I keep choosing unworthy idiots
2- I haven’t done enough work on myself to stop doing #1
3- They were such duds that they wouldn’t have had the sense to BE intimidated by me in the first place!
I’m glad that you wrote this. I’m a big fan of removing excuses and facing the truth.
AverageBro
on 05 May 2009 at 1:05 pm #
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
And once more… Thank you.
Caribbean woman
on 05 May 2009 at 2:47 pm #
Weeeeeell, I thought this piece was veeerrry good. I have not ever used the “he’s intimidated line” as far as my success. U have been told by friends male and female that is was my good looks and the way I carries myself that has been intimidating to certain types of men. I’m soon to be 30 but I am finally in a happy and loving relationship. My problem was my snappy mouth and stubborness. Now, I’m trying to calm all those things down. I like a man to be in a control and I be the woman.
I think one of the biggest issues with black woman having healthy relationships with men is the whole “I’m independent” and “I don’t need a man” label. Well when you’re constantly barking that to anyone that has ears to hear you, it’s a turn off. Yes I can take care of myself but I don’t need to shout it out to my man everytime we have a small dispute. And YES I DO need a man. As a heterosexual woman that’s what they are here for in my opinion. Who wants to be alone all for the sake of proving you “can do bad all by yourself”. C’mon that’s wack!
I love cuddling up into the open arms of my guy. It’s a helluva lot better than trying to warm your spot up in bed by yourself.
Stop being angry and bitter. Soften your tone, relax the muscles in your face and place a welcoming smile there. Too many black women I see everyday walk around with a scowl on their face and then they wonder why they cannot attract the opposite face. Well you look like trouble, that’s why.
Ok nuff said. Good one Jam!
Thelonious
on 05 May 2009 at 4:53 pm #
Good post. Now if you could only keep these women off the talk shows.
Sierra on 05 May 2009 at 5:20 pm #
So how about those of us who actually are the person we are looking for and still seem to have problems finding someone?
Anonymous on 05 May 2009 at 6:58 pm #
no, i am not arrogant because of my successful!!!
hahahah
Sam
on 05 May 2009 at 8:06 pm #
This article speaks volumes. Women pay attention.
Mr. Shabazz
on 05 May 2009 at 9:35 pm #
I strongly agree, Jam. I’ve long felt that too many women use the “You can’t handle a strong Black woman…” line far too often to cover up their own shortcomings.
That Chick's Husband
on 05 May 2009 at 10:17 pm #
My wife has a Ph.d, has traveled the world, is good looking, charming, etc. But I married her because, in addition to all of those things, she also is a nice person. It was that simple. We were in our late thirties but neither of us had any business being married at 28 or 32 anyway. For years I have shared the exact thoughts you posted among my male friends and my coalition of the willing female friends because it is true — being turned off and being intimidated are not the same thing. But a black man cannot say such things in polite company without holding himself up to ridicule and scorn. So I’m glad you said it, not with malice but with the intent to edify and cause some to think critically about this subject. Those of us with Supa Sistas for wives share a common trait: we already were coomfortable enough with ourselves as men of substance not to be intimidated by much at all. These women have to ask themselves: am I drawn to men of substance or, at 30, am I still only into muscles and pretty hair and fancy cars and other trappings? Many men of substance also have nice things and are good looking but that’s not the social currency upon which they trade. So ask yourself — what does he deal in? If its sizzle and not steak, he won’t stick around. If he’s more cattle than hat, give him the benefit of the doubt. And only you will know what you’re basing your choices on so be honest with yourself. As a friendly suggestion I would like to see future posts where you address two other sore points: 30 is not magic and dating younger men is an option.
Laila's Mom
on 05 May 2009 at 11:22 pm #
Every black woman should read Steve Harvey’s book “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.” There is an independent women chapter. To summarize the chapter, men are not intimidated necessarily by our success, but real men are natural providers and protectors. If we act like we can obtain everything we need on our own and take care of ourselves, what is there left for a man to do for us(a real one who wants to be able to be needed and provide for his woman and family)? If we don’t need him then why would he stick around? They will find us attractive and sleep with us independent women, but if we don’t need his money or the safety and security he can provide, then he’s not gonna stay. Our men need to be able to be providers. So if you have a good man let him pay for dinner and take your shopping. Ask him for money on occasion. Tell them you need his help changing a light bulb, or fixing something around your home. Ask him to help you carry all of your bags–even if you are as strong as an amazon and have a loaded bank account. If you are a chick that needs an attitude adjustment, trust me I’ve been there. I have a good man right now, and I have almost run him away a few times. Why? My mouth has no barriers at times, and I had to take it down a notch. My mother even told me that if she talked to my dad the way I was talking to my man, they would be divorced by now. I am a caring, giving loving individual who lacks patience at times and has a PhD in sarcasm. I also continued to be “Superwoman” around him, not allowing him to help me do anything out of a fear of getting too accustomed to having someone help me because I’m so used to having to “thug it out” alone. (I’m a single mom of a 4-year-old). The minute I began telling him that I needed some money, and I needed him to fix things for me and that I needed his help, he came back to me. I have been watching my mouth and trying to help him to achieve some of his goals and live out his dreams. I was always supportive, but with sarcasm and biting comments. I used to have to ask him when he was going to come over, now I don’t have to ask at all.
Just get that Steve Harvey Book and read it so when you do find a good man, you’ll recognize that he is one and you will know what his plans are for you. Think about how you act and how you treat men you have dated and ask yourself how you would feel if you were on the receiving end of your bullshit. I did that and felt bad about some of my previous behavior. The days of I’m cute and smart and can act any kind of way I want because I’m independent are over for me.
I have to admit, I don’t really like having to do everything all of the time. It gets exhausting trying to raise a child, work full-time, be in school, hold down the domestic responsibilities, pay all the bills, carry all your heavy stuff ….the list goes on. It’s nice to have a man protect you, provide for you and take care of you. I hope I continue to grow as a woman spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I can always maintain my strength. It’s a part of who I am, but I know when I need to use it and when I need to shelf it!
Indigo Red
on 05 May 2009 at 11:22 pm #
This came at just the right time. Thank you, Jam. Your words are just as valid for me - an overfed, overaged, overpale white man. I have been discribed as rude, arrogant, and demanding. I’ve alswys blamed it on my physical handicap. I suspect you are right - folks just don’t like me.
Indigo Red’s last blog post..“Marty” - Part 1
CSpotGo
on 06 May 2009 at 3:02 am #
I want to kiss your ass right in the middle for this one Jam. Preach on!!!!
Ms. M
on 06 May 2009 at 7:04 pm #
I couldn’t agree more! I can’t say I’ve ever used this excuse because I don’t fully feel successful yet but I certainly have my own box of excuses from which I draw. Thanks for saying what a lot of us needed to hear.
Ms. M’s last blog post..And I Wonder
rainebeaux
on 07 May 2009 at 3:29 pm #
**lurker alert**
First time commenter here. Wow, Jam, since you’re cashing reality checks, I’ll take mine in twenties. Thank you. I can’t think of one sista who doesn’t need this right now!
Ms M, here’s your cosign. Of course, like Laila’s mom, it’ll take me a while to shake that “thug it out alone” jazz. This entry is a start, though. Thanks again.
Miss Oyewo
on 08 May 2009 at 11:00 am #
Okay I have to say you’re sooo right! Even though it pains me to admit it… Im fresh in my twenties and I can already see myself going down the path of using my success as a guard. I sometimes have it in my mind that as a young black woman I have to make a choice…either my success or a relationship. I have just seen too many women lose themselves completely when they do find a mate. I think that is the main reason that I use the intmidation factor to block males away.
Since I’m just started on this road call reality and finishing my last year in college, I am extremely guarded. My main issue is I don’t want a male to pull me from my goals.
But all in all I will start to work on myself so this attitude does not grow..Great Post. Miracles & Blessings
Miss Oyewo’s last blog post..**UNSTOPPABLE**
Cali on 10 May 2009 at 3:02 am #
Good one Jam, especially when people use the statement to take the heat off themselves, ala “hating” - that shit drives INSANE. It’s just too simple, people toss out the notion without even thinking. It’s pretty bad when you get to a certain point in life & refuse to take a whiff of your own shit… TRAGIC!!!
Ngwebi
on 12 May 2009 at 11:30 am #
Damn… Preach on!!!!!!!!
Michelle
on 12 May 2009 at 11:41 am #
This is really good stuff but I still wear the pants!!
Michelle
ngum
on 12 May 2009 at 12:03 pm #
v interesting read. you have point. i wonder, though, whether men toss and turn about these things the way we do.
Yetunde
on 12 May 2009 at 1:37 pm #
I fully expected to find a bunch of hateful responses, but I’m pleasantly surprised. I sure hope you’re not preaching to the choir here, and I hope that the people who need to hear this, hear it. As a married Mom of 3 (all by my husband, and I’m not fat, thank you, lol), I try to tell this to my single girlfriends. They think it’s less valid coming from me because I’ve found mine. I see the chip on the shoulder and the ‘I can take care of myself’ attitude, and I see that they’ll never get someone that way.
While I’m at it, I have a couple of other jewelz to drop too…
Don’t overlook the seemingly ‘cornball’ brother. Trust me, he might be well worth your while. Just because he doesn’t have drama doesn’t mean he doesn’t have an edge. An edge is overrated anyway. I have a couple of male friends (husband’s friends) who have ended up with ‘the others’ because black women (several, who they loved!) gave them so much drama. Go ahead, keep trippin’, a nice little white girl (fat, with 2 kids) will come around and give him NO drama, and marry him. And it’s not because she’s stupid and subservient…she just knows how to keep a man.
Jewel #2: Marriage is not a destination, it’s a journey, and Marriage is not a permanent date. Can all the single ladies PLEASE stop thinking that being married means romance all the time??? It doesn’t. If you stick around long enough, you will get to the part where you develop a real partnership.
Take it from a sistah who’s been married 9 years and counting.
Yetunde’s last blog post..My Mother’s Day Tea Party.
MDUBB
on 12 May 2009 at 1:46 pm #
Hmmm, very interesting theory your working with here.
From a male point of view I can honestly say I’ve been pushed away by females who among other things claimed to be searching for “independence and success”, I guess that’s the prequel to your doctrine seeing as how these women are in their mid-twenties. In reality a few of those females where selfish and spoiled among other things and just using what your saying as an excuse.
Not that I’m gonna start using this as my primary source of understanding every failed relationship, but I see where you’re going with this.
Ms. M
on 12 May 2009 at 1:55 pm #
Alright, I’ve tried to be quiet, but I think some of us are getting a bit carried away here. As I said in my first response, I totally agree with Jam’s post. HOWEVER, let us not mistake checking our bad attitudes at the relationship door with becoming subserviant, game playing wusses. Just as we need to learn when to “acquiesce”, for lack of a better term, we also need to hold men accountable for being men. If his entire self-worth and ego is wrapped up in me behaving like a needy woman, then that is a man I’m more than willing to pass up. In relationships. folks should be there because they want to be and not because they NEED to be. In a relationship there are things I need from a man but those things are rarely tangible items like money, or groceries, or lawncare. I mostly need a friend. I need a man to be supportive, a good listener, affectionate, and kind to me. If he can’t do any of that and can only provide money for my cable bill, he is of no use to me and I probably am of none to him. While I do think we as black women certainly need to soften our hearts, it doesn’t mean that we need to soften our standards. And please, let’s stop talking about who knows how to “keep” a man. He’s not a Christmas ham to be refrigerated. Nobody keeps anybody. People stay in a place where they want to be because it works for them. It should never be because someone is doing some manipulating in order to “keep” them. I wonder why it is women and men always say, “She can’t keep a man” but I NEVER hear anyone say, “He can’t keep a woman”. Don’t we feel we are worth holding on to? If we don’t, we sure as hell should. I’m a good catch and I know it without a doubt but I don’t bite just any brotha’s hook and it’s not because I’m bitter. It’s because I choose not to settle for anyone other than the right one for me. Sheesh, Sistas! Stop the thinking that the man is the only prize involved. YOU are the prize!! So act like one and then one will be attracted to you. Alright, off the soapbox and back to the grind.
Ms. M’s last blog post..There’s More Than One Whore Here…
Pastor Miller
on 12 May 2009 at 8:06 pm #
Jam I agree with alot of what said here ,but on the other hand positive ,successful women are in a fickle here because they dont have too much to chose from. Its true that they dont need a man to validate who they are but you can’nt honestly expect them to settle for just anything either. When you look at what pickens they have your heart goes out to them .Yes women take an inward look but men step up and be a man and stop looking for someone to take care of you. The Bible says “That a man that finds a wife finds a good thing “and not a woman that finds a husband . I’m a firm believer of whats for you is for you , you may not have it right now but be patient its on the way if you can just hold out a little while LONGER. BE BLESSED
N
on 12 May 2009 at 10:10 pm #
To Ms. M,
Thank you! I also agree with Jam, but some of the comments had me scratching my head. I think your response speaks to the heart of the issue. I know plenty of women married to men who think their own needs are paramount. The women agree, accept responsibility for the relationship’s success/fail rate, and they appear to have happy marriages. I run into single men who share the same views, however the thought of being this type of wife makes me ill. But then, I’m a single woman in my 30s so what the hell do I know about it?! =)
Happy with Self
on 13 May 2009 at 5:06 am #
THANK YOU to Ms. M, I couldn’t agree with you more! All the positive responses here make me think that women in their thirties need to do a lot more getting to know themselves in their twenties if this post has suddenly opened their eyes to these ideas. I am in my early thirties, have had all these revelations some years ago, and realize that most of the men I dated TRULY were intimidated by me. AND THEY SAID SO. I am incredibly smart and successful, beautiful, well-educated, and a single mom since my early twenties. I am a wonderful person and have many many good friends of both sexes. The fact is that I just haven’t met the one that is ready to be a PARTNER in a relationship. (I love them to pieces, but Black men more than any others have a double-standard when it comes to how to behave in relationships. And they will quote PARTS of the Bible to support their often chauvinistic, self-centered, and/or insecure actions.) Ladies,if you enjoyed this blog and if you are enjoying Steve Harvey’s book, there is one book you simply cannot miss: Secrets of an Irresistible Woman by Michelle McKinney Hammond. It is Bible-based but also set in the REAL WORLD. If you are a smart modern woman it will be similar to this blog: hard to stomach at first but full of truth. However, it will fulfill you, calm you, and reassure you that you ARE the greatest thing walking this Earth, just as God intended, no apologies necessary! Be blessed, my sisters! Love to all of you. XOXOXOXOXO
ASmith
on 13 May 2009 at 8:29 am #
Happy With Self — This is what I was trying to point out. This post has good points and I think many women would do themselves a favor to consider them as some of us surely could use a serious attitude adjustment, BUT the fact of the matter is many men ARE intimidated by successful black women. Sometimes it’s because of the way we begin to carry ourselves as if we don’t need nothing or nobody, but sometimes it’s just because it’s like a mirror held up to them and they don’t like what they see, which is fine, but not our problem.
I don’t think it’s fair to suggest that successful black women need to downplay their success to get a man. It’s fine if *he* doesn’t want to feel intimidated, but it’s not my job to act less than I truly am, because he needs to take me as I truly am.
ASmith’s last blog post..Throwback Tuesday
JaBe
on 14 May 2009 at 11:10 am #
Ringing in at the last minute. Jam, I gotta go with Ms. M and Pastor Miller on this one. You definitely didn’t hold back with the myriad of reasons that too many of us(women) are single. Points, although some a bit pointed, considered and taken. As always, you given us a spoonful of sugar(humor) which helped the medicine go down
(looking and assessing within and dealling accordingly)
I just hope that there aren’t too many people out there that fit ALL of those examples of maybe’s
Ciao!
morningblend
on 16 May 2009 at 10:44 am #
My have times changed. I have been married for 35 years. I am 53 years old, and born in the 1950s. During that period more than 70% of black households had a father in the home. There were more men than women, and many black women had their “pick” of the litter. What also happened was the Civil Rights Movement in which black women availed themselves to higher education and other professional opportunities. This was all fine, with some serious flaws. Those successful black women refused to marry “blue collar” brothers who were not progressing in the white collar professional fields as quickly. If he was a janitor, mechanic, plumber, construction worker etc., which most were, professional black women had no time for them, or they made them feel inadequate. He on the other hand, made her feel as if she were betraying her race or status if she chose to not live in the country or in the ghetto. He also resented her success and would often try and sabotage any progress she made even if it meant the destruction of the relationship or the family. In his eyes, she was a “sell out.” This was especially true if she demanded from him the same level of professional achievement.
A generation passed, and the world of white and other women opened WIDE for black males. They have not looked back ever since. Now, black women of all socio-economic levels have to compete for black men, and she is often NOT his first choice. Black women are strong by design.
The experience of slavery and racism and the war on the black family designed to destroy our spiritual and cultural bonds and to render the black male obsolete has made the challenge of understanding one another even tougher. Many professional black women who walk around bitter, arrogant and resentful need to get over themselves. Black men who clump all black women in the same arrogant self-serving boat need to stop using this as an excuse to not date them. The black family as our mothers and fathers knew it is becoming extinct in the West. Our self-hatred and attitudes toward one another is helping to accelerate our own demise. We all need to stop and take a look in the mirror.
Christie
on 16 May 2009 at 3:46 pm #
Ouch but that’s for this painful truth. Growth can be painful but it truly is worth it.
Cali on 16 May 2009 at 11:05 pm #
Well damn, I think morningblend just shut it DOWN, lol! GREAT post!
Taura on 17 May 2009 at 10:11 am #
Wow!!! Amen sista
Thapointgod21
on 17 May 2009 at 11:19 pm #
Great post Jam, I agree and as a young black male I definitely see where you are coming from, I’m glad you said this because coming from a male it would sound as if im making excuses.
Thapointgod21’s last blog post..Black Athletes Can’t Get any Breaks
Mr.Man on 18 May 2009 at 9:32 am #
From a man’s perspective, your post seems dead on. I can recall dating this one woman who fully had her s*$& together. She was beautiful and entirely independent. However, she was a cold, heartless person, and she wasted few opportunities to belittle me. Now I’m not a huge macho man, but I am a man, and we always got into conflicts because of her “attitude.” In fact, that’s why I called off the 2 year long relationship. If the roles were reversed, and I treated her like she treated me, she probably could’ve gotten a jury to find me guilty of some BS emotional abuse law.
Ladies, you gotta stay open and joyful at life. Don’t become a cold person…there’s nothing worse (from a man’s perspective) than working hard all day and coming home to a woman who could care less you even exist, so busy “being independent!”
undressingHER
on 18 May 2009 at 9:43 am #
This was brilliantly written. I’m in my mid-twenties and it seems that I come across a few women here and there that are so full of themselves, it turns me off. I love successful women. I love degree-toting, Range Rover driving, property owning, AKA/Delta screaming, beautiful women……but sometimes I think they cover up some low self esteem issues with money and things. Once again, well written.
I’m going to share this post with the folks on my website.
Muffin on 18 May 2009 at 8:33 pm #
Amen. I’m more educated than my boyfriend (he’s still working on an associates, I’ve got my bachelor’s), and he’s not intimidated. He should be though….not by my education but my general bitchiness.
Yetunde
on 19 May 2009 at 8:45 am #
Lol @ Muffin…
@Morningblend: thanks for chiming in with your wisdom.
It does take 2 to make a relationship work. Reading back over my comments, I guess it could be misconstrued that I think men are a prize to be ‘kept’.
Not everyone wants to be married…no one’s saying everyone should. No one is saying to lower your standards to get a man either. But if you want to be, you need to come correct and keep an open heart.
Yetunde’s last blog post..My Mother’s Day Tea Party.
fatima
on 19 May 2009 at 9:29 am #
i come across your post and i am happy that i did. because i realized that the being, busy or success is not the problem. But the problem is within ourselves..I so love it..thanks for enlightening
Karen
on 19 May 2009 at 12:58 pm #
Wow, your post really nailed it! You spoke TRUTH and you had to have courage mixed with grace to speak it well, which you did. Thank you.
Danielle
on 21 May 2009 at 6:55 pm #
Thanks for sharing. I think you’ve voiced what many have been thinking. I can honestly say, that I have recently stopped offering my resume when I meet someone new. It can honestly be intimidating. In addition, I had to ask myself about my purpose. What was the point of telling someone I have or would have this or that upon an initial meeting? Thanks for giving me to ask myself and think about.
Danielle’s last blog post..The customer’s attachment
ms mac
on 24 May 2009 at 11:20 pm #
Here’s an interesting thought. Maybe it’s not money or success that’s intimidating. And maybe it’s not even that the woman’s bitter or mean. A lot of men just aren’t interested in what the woman is bringing to the table in other departments. I have a friend that’s been without a man for at least nine years now and she is constantly wondering why. Truth is, she has the type of personality that only a mother can love. She’s sweet but tries way too hard, goes overboard in everything, can be obnoxious, and doesn’t know when to reign it in (a loud shit talker). And despite trying to tell her about herself in so many “other” words, she still just doesn’t get it. What man wants to deal with that? I also have another friend who can’t establish a relationship because the “regular” looking guys are just not good enough for her. Problem is, honey is a little lacking in the cute department herself (can’t tell her that though). She would probably rate herself a high 8.5 in the looks department, and would immediately set her sights on a “10″ guy, but that guy is only thinking she’s a high 2 (at best). So I believe that no matter what a woman’s success level is, that in itself usually isn’t the only reason men run the other way. Most men just are too nice to say it to our faces. There are a lot of women out there that are clearly delusional about why they don’t have a man. But clearly all delusions aren’t the same.
morningblend
on 25 May 2009 at 3:47 pm #
In regards to “A lot of men just aren’t interested in what the woman is bringing to the table in other departments.”
This is another area in the many multifaceted changes that have taken place as the Diaspora has assimilated European cultural values with each proceeding generation. When we were operating under our own African values, there was a time when a black man chose women by what he saw in her spirit. We used to call this “looking for her soul.” This meant her African pedigree, spiritual power, creative potential, and her physical strength, beauty and inventiveness. Her “hair, azz, boobs and career” were hardly an issue.
Today’s black men have lost this critical insight that was once an integral part of our African culture and survival. They have succumbed to the European form of superficial “beauty.”
Today, many black women cultivate these same synthetic, de-spiritualized values when competing to attract the “right man”. They have been conditioned in our superficial culture to place more emphasis on what is OUTSIDE of them rather than what is INSIDE which is eternal. Their rich natural beauty is hidden beneath european-style weaves, dress and sexual mannerisms that are alien to her native self.
This self-defeating aspect is also complicated by our wanting the “perfect mate,” to complement an imperfect, superficially styled self-made woman.
When I was coming of age, we understood that one would have to take our mate “in the raw” and work together to cultivate those aspects that we loved; as long as the potential (building blocks) was there.
In other words, it takes HARD YEARS to cultivate and develop a relationship. Most (both men and women) are not patient. Many are lacking in creativity and coping skills, or are not willing to make that sacrifice. They simply want the “perfect mate” NOW.
The final aspect that is not of our African culture in which we place so much emphasis on is on the myth of “romance.”
In many traditional African cultures from which we descend, marriages were arranged based on the above traits already mentioned. Many marriages were also bonds of convenience based on survival. Romantic love came later, if at all. That was a fringed benefit of the elite who has the money and time to “romance.”
Bottom line: As long as we are not in control of how we rear, educate and socialize our children in accordance to our own spiritual and cultural values, we will continue to face the challenges that many black men and women are facing today.
We are in a cultural and spiritual war on the black family. We must seriously recognize this and not drop the ball and allow it to win.
Stank-0
on 25 May 2009 at 6:35 pm #
I originally read this over at Averagebro.com and it stuck with me. So running across it again, I’ll say a lil something.
For starters, I think morningblend’s 1st comment was as right as rain.
I think the Intimidation Doctrine is just the latest in a long line of protective measures, however, this problem is bigger than that. Black women have made exceptional strides careerwise in the last few decades. What has been traded for that?
The upwardly mobile educated black males suddenly have a glut of supply with very low demand, and they are using their comparative advantage to the fullest extent. That’s just the black on black side. With a changing society, there are indeed other women who may be looking for the BM’s as well. More supply and more demand.
I would almost say that the mobile BMs are actin worse than the non-mobile BMs because they can pick and choose until they feel like marrying.
I’m thankful to have the woman I do have. She coud work on her mouth and other things but her positives do outweigh the negatives.
If you (man/woman) keep having relationship after relationship crash and burn at some point the problem is YOU! My father says the entire world can’t be wrong.
Stank-0’s last blog post..The Clippers’ draft
GoogleGuy
on 26 May 2009 at 3:23 am #
Interesting post. You have obviously done the research on this. It can be hard to find decent information about this in my experience. i will bookmark this site and check it out again in the future. thanks
hair
on 26 May 2009 at 4:56 am #
wow..I love to find blogs like this that really look at women’s issues. thanks. will return..
RichardOn
on 26 May 2009 at 7:14 pm #
Interesting site, but much advertisments on him. Shall read as subscription, rss.
keysha
on 27 May 2009 at 2:08 pm #
so true!!!
Lonias on 28 May 2009 at 8:45 pm #
*snapping my fingers up high*
fin
tenACEous
on 29 May 2009 at 10:24 am #
morningblend, you are my hero. Stop making so much sense, please. :-p
yogi on 01 Jun 2009 at 1:40 pm #
I keep thinking about what the millionaire match maker said women often go on dates as if they are an interview and in a effort to impress the date they talk about their success, which ’cause men to wonder what is it that they have to offer. I don’t know if successful women need take introspective mediative retreat as so much have a better line of communication..
and just like any other “interview ” it’s about what she can offer in terms of love, not in terms of her career, which may mean translating her success into more abstract ideology:
1. Strength
2. Intuition
3. Laughter
Let’s face it is hard to find the right mate in which their is balance, growth and love..
It’s not that he doesn’t like her (who really cares if he does that his business and loss) or that she is arrogant (which is coping system for fear so don’t take that away from her)..
it’s that she haven’t found her love language…
from one successful sista to another.
fat lady w 2 kids
on 01 Jun 2009 at 4:14 pm #
Wow. I just read this blog post. It was posted by one of my friends on Facebook. I am the “fat lady with two kids”. It’s funny because superficially it seems that I should have the tougher time finding mates but I find it to be the total opposite.
I am recently divorced and have most of my education completed:) yet I don’t hold a higher education degree nor am I extremely successful in any particular area of the business world. I choose to date infrequently but when I do allow someone to share my ME time, they get attached.
I would not say that I am particularly broke but, I am not floating in cash either and being that I chose the entrepreneurial route, finances are at a constant ebb and flow routine.
I have spoken with my friends about having to fight guys off of me and she thought it was the most ironic thing. I do not NEED a man financially and I’m relatively independent as I pay my own lawn service and when something is broken, I fix or pay to have it fixed.
I must agree with you guys on one major thing, we musn’t wear our success or “supposed failures” on our sleeves. We must nhowever wear our humbleness, openness, understanding and love full blast. What’s life without them…blah…
It begins with us. I don’t believe it has as much to do with our success as it does our attitudese about our success. We have had to fight hard to earn what we have but its time to turn our fighting mentality off. Let’s love and show what we want to receive.
Michelle
on 02 Jun 2009 at 1:52 pm #
Jam and morningblend I could not agree with you both.
A black woman
on 04 Jun 2009 at 9:51 pm #
I am an older black professsional woman in a 6 year relationship. I find your article interesting and I had a soulful mental discussion
with myself regarding my current failing relationship as it may relate to my own personal background. What I recongize is that I settled for someone that did not love or see me for who I am, and while I have bend over backwards, and put my career on hold, this brother was not willing to come to the table with any compromise. So ladies please beware, a lot of men will use the fact that you are successful to bring you down and not uplift you. Let, no man, woman, or child
invalidate your worth or success.
Fussy Pumkin
on 11 Jun 2009 at 8:20 pm #
Wine, my dog and the Golden Girls, pretty much a night in the life of me, except I can’t afford Tivo.
Unfortunately I’m not sucessful in any way so I can’t even begin to kid myself about men being intimidated by my professional power.
Brilliantly written!
Peaches
on 13 Jun 2009 at 11:57 pm #
Interesting. I agree with morningblend. It seems that any black woman with a decent pedigree, intelligence, education, financial independence and opinion of her own gets labeled as ’stuck up’, ‘bitter’, and ‘angry’ any time she decides to create a must have list of things for her ideal man.
Face it.. it takes a strong, confident man to deal with such a woman. Barack Obama is such a man, and can deal with Michelle. Those men who can’t handle a stong, intelligent woman like that are, you got it, intimidated. Barack is not intimidated because he has HIS OWN act together. Quit trying to convince me that someone like Michelle Obama should encourage her daughters settle for some Sam Sausagehead thug who can do nothing but point and giggle at BET videos, and fall for the guilt trip of being ’stuck up’ when they tell these guys to beat it.
Damn right educated black women should have standards because they deserve to. Black women have every right to set standards for themselves. They should not settle for men whose conversations don’t go beyond booty shakin’ and weave tossin’.
saint
on 29 Jun 2009 at 5:37 am #
As a 40+ year old Black woman. Single, celibate, and that is a GOOD THING, the celibacy, that is, in this time of rampaging AIDS in our communities, whew!!! I just don’t know. I haven’t had a date in years and years, it seems like.
I just don’t know. This life is a lonesome walk and sometimes? I am just? Sick of the thing, the “woman needs a man” thing.
I just do not know what to do. I can’t date or marry outside of Christ. I am saved, and am working out my own soul’s Salvation with fear and trembling.
I just do not know, I have no answers except to pull closer to Christ, don’t eat myself to death, in seeking “emotional comfort” ain’t no emotional comfort; my “female” emotions might as well be put out with the garbage, true dat.
And life, healthy life, does go on, and the Lord will keep me. I don’t know about “comfort” in the loneliness and the “where is my life going? who will I spend it with?” I do not know.
I will continue to work out my own issues, and work out my own soul’s Salvation, and find joy in the Lord.
Fran
on 22 Jul 2009 at 8:51 am #
I think some women who profess to want marriage are still single because they have a checklist of things they want from a guy and if it isn’t on their checklist, they deem him unworthy. I don’t think men operate this way. They may have a general idea of what they want, but they seem to enter into a relationship, not necessarily looking to get married, but just allow the relationship to grow and sometimes it leads to marriage.
Women also aren’t honest about what they want. They say they want to be married, but only date men who are unavailable. That is, men who say they don’t want to be married or men who are already married. If a man says he doesn’t want to be married, he either doesn’t want to marry you or he truly doesn’t want to be married. Move on and stop thinking you can change him. Married men don’t leave their wives, so why date them hoping that will happen. You don’t marry the man you cheat with anyway. You would never trust him. Move on.
compton tiffany
on 30 Jul 2009 at 10:23 pm #
WOW!! Thanks for such a great post. My BFF SO needs to hear this but if I send it to her, she’ll probably be upset and make YET another excuse for her lonliness!
NicoleC
on 04 Aug 2009 at 7:46 pm #
While I agree that many, many of us fail to be introspective and do the self work that it will take to enter and maintain a healthy loving relationship, there is something about this post that I think focuses too heavily on blaming the victim. The power of positive thinking is immense, but we live in a world where our relationship experiences are determined by more than the work we do on ourselves in preparation for the right mate.
I’m not a doom and gloom thinker, but I am a realist. In my opinion (and I believe there are statistics to support this opinion), there are so many single, successful black women who are manless because of the stark social realities of our lives: black male imprisonment, unemployment, underemployment, disenfranchisement, mental illness, and the like.
There are many amazing brothers who do not fit into any of these unfortunate categories, but the sisters outnumber them. Such that those men who do have employment, good sense, charm, and no criminal record have their pick.
It puts the sisters at a competitive disadvantage. You can be all sweet, considerate, self-aware, beautiful, sexy, gourmet-cooking, etc,. but if 220,000 of us are competing (and it is a competition, even if you take the hate and the jealousy factors out of it) for the affection of the same 1,000 men, the women (and I’m one of them) are hit.
As I said before, I’m not all gloom and doom, I just think we need to adapt. The conditions are not favorable, but we can’t sit around doing the same thing that has us lonely, sad, and wondering when somebody is going to come save us.
I admit, it’s a cliche, that we need to consider non-black men. It’s a cliche, but it’s real. If you really prefer chicken, but 85% of the time chicken is not available to you, and the only other meat availalbe is turkey, which you don’t much care for … it’s a matter of learning to like turkey or going without meat at all … what are you really going to do?
James h.
on 24 Aug 2009 at 1:09 pm #
Good stuff, sister. Why is it when I say these thing on my vlog, I’m called misogynistic?
Joel
on 24 Aug 2009 at 10:21 pm #
In a word……”Chuuuch!”
thegirlfromhaiti
on 25 Sep 2009 at 8:20 pm #
I agree with the article. I don’t think people have to “downplay their success” as one person put it. Some people get so caught up in the fact that they’ve finished graduate school, are in the top of their fields that they forget WHO they are instead are just WHAT they do. Many things are now beneath them and that attitude is just nasty, for lack of a better word.
I work as an artist (but I’m really just a goofball) and I once went out with this guy. He tells me that there had been layoffs at his company (he works as an engineer) and that as a result he now has to do work that is “beneath” him. That’s a very unappealing attitude to me, lol. Not one that I’d like to have in a spouse, father of my kids… no. He had many good qualities, but when it came to core values that I wanted in a man… we didn’t see eye to eye. But to each his/her own. Again, great article.
soulmariposa
on 25 Sep 2009 at 10:46 pm #
While I agree with much of the article and think it does hold a lot of truth, I wonder if the flipside of your argument is true. So does everyone woman who is married and in a relationship by the time she chooses, somehow more worthy? Is she more evolved? Has she figured out something the rest of us don’t know? I know of many fukked up, small-minded folks who are in loving relationships. Some of finding a partner is really about timing and luck. I find it rather silly that we believe it to be a merit-based proposition. That only when we become practically perfect will we be rewarded with love. I think its yet another unattainable trap that women can get caught in similar to the lady-in-the-street-ho-in-boudoir-trap, or the-perfect-mother-perfect-wife-superwoman-trap.
kizzie
on 14 Nov 2009 at 6:56 am #
Damn Jam, you got dumped baaaad huh? lol!
ILOVEBLACKMOMEN
on 12 Dec 2009 at 1:51 am #
IM A BLACK MALE WHO REALLY JUST ENJOY HEARING CIVILIZED BLACK WOMEN DISCUSSING THIS ISSUE.IF MORE BLACK MEN WERE TO COME ON HERE THEY WOULD SEE LIKE I HAVE,BLACK WOMEN DO ACTUALLY THINK OF US RATHER IT BE POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE,THEY THINK OF US.THAT TO ME SHOWS GENUINE CONCERN,WHICH IF YOU ARE A SUCCESSFUL WOMAN USUALLY ALL IT TAKES, IS FOR YOU TO SHOW HIM SOMETHING SIMPLE, AND FUNDAMENTAL,”GENUINE CONCERN”.I WOULD LIKE TO RECOMMEND A GREAT MOVIE TO YOU ALL.IM NOT YET SUCCESSFUL IN THE SECULAR SINCE, BUT WHEN I DO MY METHOD WOULD BE SOMEWHAT LIKE THIS MOVIE DAMMIT,LOL.”COMING TO AMERICA”.TRUE LOVE AND HAPPINESS IS OH SO BASIC.DEGREES EQUATE TO GOOD TRAINING SKILLS AND SOMETIMES MONEY. BUT HAS NOTHING WHAT-SO-EVER TO WITH GOD,OR GENUINE LOVE.
Tami
on 07 Jan 2010 at 11:10 am #
I enjoyed reading your article & basically agreed with you…I’m single simply because the men I choose to deal with seem to have a generous supply of women & I just don’t feel like sharing, so I date occasionally, hoping to find someone one day, who wants to marry & just deal with me…By the way I am 47 yrs old.
Godmanshoes
on 23 Jan 2010 at 6:59 am #
WOW!!!
This really gets me thinking. I am quite sure I was on the track to being a successful bitter woman. But this article killed that. I like that comment about trying to be who you want to be with. My friend says it a lot and I am working on it. And what is funny is that none of the extenuating circumstances apply to me, I would just have gotten myself to bear a cross that had nothing to do with me.
All in all am glad my mate showed me this. Keep up the good work every one. We need this.