Archive for January, 2011

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

As We Enter 2011, Several Things I Hope 2010 Leaves Behind

mess of the month happy new year As We Enter 2011, Several Things I Hope 2010 Leaves Behind

It’s the end of the year. A time when we set goals and figure out all the wonderful, positive things we want to bring into our lives.

But to hell with that. It’s also a time when we should decide exactly what we DON’T want in our lives in the coming year. A time when we recognize exactly what you hated about last year and have no intention on repeating. A time when you look back and recognize that things that seemed cool to you at the time, were really just stupid.

I will share with you my personal list.

1. Sarah Palin

This woman, who was unleashed among this society by grumpy uncle John McCain has been the bain of our collective existence ever since. Between her word salad tweets, made up words, Facebook postings, screwed up kids, and her attacks on Michelle Obama for trying to keep our fat ass kids from all dying of diabetes and heart disease, Palin is one person I would like to leave behind in 2010.

2. Jay-Z, Beyonce & Rihanna

I love you guys, but enough already. I am so sick of hearing about you people. I just don’t care anymore.

I’m not sure if it’s too late, but I’d also like to add (insert name here) Kardashian to this list. Thank you.

3. The words: “wow”, “really?” “ballin’”, and “swag.”

I think that says it all.

(Just for the record we’ve been trying to leave hating behind since 2006 with little success.)

4. Right-Wing Nuts/Birthers/Left-Wing Liberal Whiners

OK, we get it. For some people, the thought of a black president just infuriates you. Though you reflexively hate him simply because of the color of his skin, can you please spare the rest of us from idiotic rationalizations of your racism, your wacky claims that Obama is a Kenyan Muslim, and your outrage and opposition to ANYTHING he says?

For example:

OBAMA: “The sky is blue”

YOU: “No it isn’t, you just want it to be blue because you are a Muslim and want to destroy America.”

Enough already. He’s black, he’s here, get over it.

On the other end of the spectrum, are the die-hard liberals who have no problems with a black president. Their problem lies in the fact that he is not a messianic king who can just wave a wand and have all your agenda items fall into place.

Look, he’s not a Kenyan terrorist from Nairobi City, Hawaii NOR is he “Barack the Magic Negro.” Both of you, grow up in 2011.

5. Women with Half-shaved heads

Not a good look for 99.9% of the population. Period. Don’t chance it.

6. The terms “baby mama” & “baby daddy”

Look, man or woman, you picked the idiot. Can you please dignify yourself and your now-begrudged family with the phrases, “my daughter’s father” or “my son’s mother.” Even if you don’t respect your one-time sex partner, please respect your son or daughter by not trivializing them as a “baby.” I mean, damn, they’re 15 now. Sounds awful.

7. Celebrity clothing and perfume lines.

OK, I like Usher. I’m a fan of Beyonce. But do I really want to wear their clothing lines or cologne? What happened to the days when only gay, accomplished designers sold cologne? I was good then. Chanel, Calvin Klein, Versace, Claiborne, Bulgari — they were folks I’d buy fragrances from. But what in the sam hell would I want to wear a scent by train-wrecks like Britney Spears or Mariah Carey? I am never mad at the hustle and encourage all to make that money while they can. But damn. Take a hint from the legends. You never saw Michael Jackson or Prince or Luther Vandross or Aretha Franklin peddling clothing lines or perfume brands. Celebs, do what you know.

8. Snuggies and all their Offspring

OK, I was good when the Snuggie was a passing fancy. I even got a Snuggie for Christmas last year from my hunky man and was way more tickled than i should have been (though I am secretly concerned it will catch me on fire one day). HOWEVER, there have been a spate of Snuggie spin-offs and some really disturbing clothing trends, all somehow birthed on cheesy random cable channels. Yes, I’m talking to you: Slanket and Pajama Jeans. But your time is over. No longer will we be slaves to fashion advertised on daytime and late night television. In 2011, we will all be back lounging around in our jogging pants and holey t-shirts and old blankets, exactly like we are supposed to. Plus most of our credit cards don’t work anymore, anyway.

9. Ginny Thomas Voice Mails

Ok, sure, we all had a big laugh at Virginia Thomas, wife of sitting Supreme Court Justice and Black activist (ha! just kidding), Clarence Thomas. But I’m hoping as 2011 rolls around, Clarence reigns Ms. Ginny in and, like in some cars, requires her to take a breathalyzer before being able to place calls.

10. Kwame Kilpatrick

‘Nuff said.

11. Real Housewives of Everywhere

The gig is up ladies. Everyone knows by now that anyone with any real money, power or influence would NEVER do this show. You all are a bunch of embarrassing also-rans who represent the empty, debt-fueled consumption culture that got us all into this mess.

12. Fake Ass Disability (FAD)

There is no doubt that there are some people who have disabilities that render them unable to work. HOWEVER, if I meet one more person who is on disability for a “learning disability” or because your back is too bad from that accident “back in 1986,” I’m gonna scream. Never mind, since you’ve been on FAD you’ve had two kids. You can get arrested on an assault charge for fighting in front of your building, but you can’t get a job? Somehow you and your ilk feel as though you should be living off the rest of us workers and I am sick of it. Where’s your pride? In 2011 please say no to FAD.

13. Law & Order Spin-Offs

It’s been like 78 years. Special Victims, Criminal Intent, Los Angeles, United Kingdom. You’ve had a good run. Just let it go.

14. Obesity

Big and beautiful my ass. At least one person, Michelle Obama, has had the balls to come forward and actually tell the American people to their faces: “You are too fat and so are your dumb kids.” Good for her. It is true! Hey everybody, I implore you to take 5 minutes and look at yourself in a three-way mirror. I want you to take full account of what you see. I even challenge you to take a picture of yourself in that mirror with one of your fancy phones. I then want you to ask yourself, “Do you like what you see?” Not, does my man like it, or does my woman like it? But do YOU really like what you see? Or is it actually pretty gross?

It’s time we all embraced our health and and decided we want to live long, strong vibrant lives. All this “thick” and “stocky” and “husky” and “big beautiful woman” and “whole lotta man” foolishness was real cute in 2010 but in 2011, its time to decide that we want to toss out destinies tied to diabetes and blood pressure meds and finally proclaim that we want to live better.

If your friends, your man, your woman, your mama, your daddy, your friends won’t tell you, I will:Obesity. is. not. hot.

15. Tattoos about the face or neck

What is really the big disconnect here? When did tattoos on your neck and face become hot? And are they REALLY hot on anyone other than a professional athlete, rapper or ex-con? And even in that group, in ten years they will look just as stupid. With that in mind I want to let you know that all of you grown people, who have chosen to get tattoos above your clavicle, look a hot ass ghetto mess.

I’m just saying it because no one really wants to tell you, because unlike clothes or a hair style or even a gold toof in front, you can’t change it, and you’re stuck, so telling you will really accomplish nothing except making you feel bad. But please know, without any shadow of a doubt, tattoos about the face or neck are the precise reason why your ass cannot get hired. It’s not discrimination, it’s not the recession, its because you have a DUMB ASS PAIR OF LIPS ON YOUR NECK. I wouldn’t hire you either. Grow up in 2011.

16. Drug Commercials

It seems that every week, there is some new ailment that I need a new drug for, that I am supposed to ask my doctor about. Nowadays if my mouth is dry, or my legs are restless or my eyelashes aren’t full enough, I’m supposed to ask my doctor to give me some drugs. We’ve become a nation of wusses who treat the side effects of one drug with another drug. Was it really that difficult to get to sleep in 2010 that we needed 5 different sleeping pills? Never mind many of the drugs have side effects worse than the problem they are treating. Are you really willing to withstand side effects like compulsive gambling, suicide, night terrors, or eating raw bacon, just to remove the dark circles under your eyes? Forget the drugs, I have an idea, next time you’re sleepy: count sheep, bitches.

17. 3D-Fucking- Movies

There was a time when a movie being in 3-D was a special event. You were so excited to wear your little red & blue 7-11 paper glasses to a picture show. 3-D was a huge deal and going to see a 3-D movie was a momentous occasion, you never knew when the next 3-D would come out so you made sure you didn’t miss this one.

Now I can tell you when the next 3-D movie is coming out: ANY FRIDAY OF 2010.

I mean, good lord. I actually find it hard to recall movies that WEREN’T in 3-D anymore. Don’t get me wrong, 3-D is cool but I thought it was intended to be used in films where its novelty and effect would best complement the on-screen content. Like Jason, in Friday the 13th, shooting that friggin’ arrow in your eye in Part 3.  Now THAT’s 3-D.  An asexual animated creature merely appearing in front of me for shits and giggles, meh, I could do without that. Call me when you can put Idris Elba in my lap. Now THAT would be a special feature. But I digress…

And now, 3-D television is around the corner. Soon we’ll have Bad Girls fighting, Idol auditions, and Jersey Shore trash getting drunk right in our living rooms. Can’t wait.

18. Closeted and Con-men Clergy

First of all, do not hate on my alliteration. What more is there to say? From the Catholic priests having butt-sex with little boys to mega churches allowing their members to be foreclosed upon while the pastor drove Bentleys, it’s been a rough year for religion in 2010.

Decent people who run decent churches have been eclipsed by the hit parade of creeps, crooks, and crazy men proclaiming to be messengers of God who have proceeded to craft a message, not for the benefit of the congregants, nor for the benefit of God, but for the benefit of himself.

The preacher asks offerings from those being foreclosed upon and in return he’ll “pray for you.” A growing number of these bastards are leading to the disillusionment of a generation and a community who sees churches as institutions who exploit the very communities that support them.

19. Crazy, Dumb and/or Retarded Political Candidates

Lord knows I love reading up on the fanciful exploits of former senatorial-candidate AKA my future baby daddy (oops!) Alvin Greene. No, it isn’t lost on me that Greene isn’t the coldest beer in the fridge. And usually, someone like Greene is an anomaly, but this year, he barely even stood out among the groundswell of kooks suddenly deciding to run for office. Greene, O’Donnell, Angle… PLEASE, go back to whatever you were doing in 2009, we can’t take you anymore.

I guarantee you, most of these folks weren’t thinking about politics, nor could they spell it, before a black man became elected president.

20. Fussing and Fighting

This year we have we have witnessed unprecedented efforts on the part of some to create disharmony. In 2011, we must make a decision to work together.

Whether it’s in the halls of Congress, your kid’s school, your job, your relationship, your family or your neighborhood — we’ve all seen the progress we make when we agree to work together.

Not sell out, not give in, but compromise. In a country where we’ve created a cottage industry of disagreement, if we have learned anything in 2010, it’s what can happen if we actually put away our ultimatums and pouty whines and actually work together. We can never get what we want all the time (except maybe if you’re Rihanna, Beyonce, or Jay-z).

So… in the interest of creating the best lives we can for ourselves in the best country in the world, I encourage you to work together in the coming year.

I know you hate him or you hate her. I know you should have had that job. I know that guy ripped you off. I know they lied to you and that car was a piece of crap.

But consider what peace of mind is worth to you?

Is it really that bad if your daughter gets home 30 mins later than your custody agreement dictates?

Is it really a capital offense if your woman spoke to her ex as she passed him by at a restaurant last week?

What is peace worth?

That’s what we should ask ourselves as a society.

Whether it’s a domestic disagreement or world affairs, at the end of the day, we must all ask ourselves how do I want to live? Is being right more important than being happy? Is a political victory worth your integrity? Is winning that argument worth another night of strife? Is your ego worth the adoration of your son or daughter? I don’t know about you, but I’ll take peace any day.

Why don’t we all try for peace in 2011? I have a feeling if we all try for peace, we can’t lose.

Happy New Year People.

Honorable Mentions:

Antoine Dodson
Skinny jeans on Men
All news articles about single black women
Blue tooth devices in your ear
Celebrities in tax trouble