Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I have a quandary that perhaps you enlightened readers can help me with. I call it “The Coonery Paradox.” Much like the String Theory or the elusive Theory of Everything, it is a puzzle that baffles the mind. A paradox is defined as “a statement or proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth.” What I am about to describe is exactly that, two sides of reality that seem completely contradictory but at the same time is our current truth.
It boils down to a simple question: Why is it ok to BE a coon or portray a coon in mainstream media, but if you call people out for being coons in mainstream media, you are vilified?
[Warning: This is a VERY black issue and I know I have a diverse readership, so others, just follow along as best you can.]
Why does the black community turn a blind eye and meet with absolute silence some of the most coonish portrayals of black folks in the media, but when those same people or stereotypes are challenged for the coonery they are, the community gets into an absolute uproar and the challenger becomes the villain. The Coonery Paradox.
I look at shows like Chocolate News, Th Boondocks and the Dave Chapelle Show, both of which got heat from the black community about their portrayals of black folks and black culture. These comedians cleverly satired some of the less flattering aspects of the culture. They parodied people and situations we all know and exposed them in all their ridiculousness in a humorous way. But the message was clear, come on y’all. They held the mirror up, added some humor, and went over the top, often in an effort to challenge the very stereotypes we supposedly hate so much. However, both shows seem to rub many black folks the wrong way. I read articles that even celebrated the fact that Chocolate News was cancelled.
I look at my show “We Got To Do Better” which aimed to do the same by calling out coonish behavior for what is was, a hot ass embarrassing-to-us-all ghetto mess. It offered no-apology commentary about the images of ourselves we were promulgating all over the world. It even had the nerve to have statistics and positive profiles as part of the show. And as you may or may not know, the show sparked a NATIONAL FUCKING PROTEST. Rufkm? The NAACP was having “Watch parties”, there were on-line petitions, panel discussions, t-shirts and God knows what else. Gina McCauley, a completely misguided idiot who runs some Pro Black Woman bullshit blog, made protesting the show her personal cause de célèbre. The logo above was the original logo for the show but was yanked because of the “racial controversy.” What better symbol of ANTI-Cooning is there? We wanted make our purpose abundantly clear. Alas….
My point, and I do have one, is that I am noticing something very disturbing about black community “activism” (or fake-ass activism as I like to call it).
Where the hell are these pro-black self-proclaimed protectors of the black image when Flava of Love was on? When Ray-J was on? I can’t think of two shows that denigrated black women like these did.
This summer sees the launch of two new reality shows featuring Keyshia Cole’s ex-crackhead mom and her alkie sister. Both of whom’s claim to fame are their over the top ghetto, alcohol and crack-brain fueled behavior. (crack brain is what people who have been on crack a long time have, even if they’re no longer using, they just aint right no more). The show is called Frankie & Neffie. It’s a reality show showcasing a crackie and an alkie, both with several children by several people!!!
Where are the protests now? Where is the alarm? What about all the daughters that will watch these shows and think they are accurate representations of black women? Where’s the boycott of the sponsors? Hello???? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Crickets from the protesting class.
Oh wait, there’s also a show featuring a jailed rapper’s girlfriend and another rapper’s baby mama who had their child at 15. Both of whom sound like they just learned to read last week. So now we have a show that many young women will watch and now aspire to be illiterate rapper teen baby mamas.
Where is the outrage now? Gina McCauley? Other random idiots??? Hellooooooo???? Where are your letter writing campaigns now? Are yall going after the sponsors of those shows too?
Btw, the show is called “Tiny and Toya” and debuted this week with the highest ratings in the history of its network.
Seen Maury “You are Not the Father” Povich lately? What makes women look any worse than that? (though that shit is funny) I Love New York? Proteeeeestors….come out and plaaaaayyyyy…..
Why are critiques of negativity condemned while we welcome actual negativity with open arms and high ratings and top record sales? The Coonery Paradox.
Bomani Armah’s animated music video “Read a Book” aired last year was a brilliant parody of the stereotypical rap video and parents and viewers and protesters went NUTS. So wait, you are mad at the parody, but you let the real thing air all day everyday without a peep? I don’t want that nasty parody on my television for my kids to see, show the Rick Ross video instead. The Coonery Paradox.
We rarely publicly castigate those who are in the media making us all look bad, but God help you if you ever point out the fact that they’re making us look bad. Then you are automatically a self-hating, Uncle Tom, elitist, wannabe-white sell-out who is exploiting their people. The Coonery Paradox.
I am, by no means, saying that critiques of culture shouldn’t be subject to the same artistic and intellectual criticism as everything else. Lets face it, “ We Got To Do Better” was no Frontline. There should be a vigorous debate about all art all the time. So why do some things consistently get a pass? I just cannot wrap my mind around the lack of public galvanization and critique of the things that are REALLY destroying the minds of our youth.
Of course, I’m close to this issue. Maybe its just me. Maybe I’m trippin. Maybe I’m completely off base here. Maybe I’ve just had too much wine.
We Got To Do Better, despite the highest ratings of the summer, was taken off because of the “controversy” surrounding it. Yeah, we wouldn’t want to have any show that actually tells people to get their shit together. But its cool, we have “Frankie and Neffie” now. The Coonery Paradox.
This isn’t about individual artists, specific channels or record labels. I don’t want to get hung up on specifics. I used show examples just to make my point. I just dont understand the odd response we have to representations of ourselves in mainstream media. We get mad if white people call us coons, we get mad if black folks call us coons, but straight up coonery? Bring it on. The Coonery Paradox.
You figure it out.
Peace people.
*UPDATED (had to add The Boondocks and explain the graphic)
Monday, May 4, 2009
Ok people I just have to say it. For a long time I was willing to give women the benefit of the doubt, but no longer. As I enter the realm of my thirties being single and anxious about just where my life is going, I know there are jillions of similarly-situated women who feel the same way. I think most women who reach their thirties and are still single go thru a range of emotions almost daily. Sometimes we feel very liberated and independent, relishing a life full of opportunities unhampered by domestic obligations. Other days we are full of fear wondering if we will ever find a mate and enjoy the benefits of companionship.
Will we find someone to experience the bigness of the world with? Will we find someone to grow old and fat with? Although we enjoy our freedom, we know there will come a day when sitting on the couch at home with a bottle of wine and a dog watching Tivo just wont do it. We wonder if we will end up dying alone only to be found after three days by a home care worker who doesn’t speak English. But enough about me.
That being said, I want to address a lie that many of us tell ourselves about why we may be alone at this stage of our lives. And though I focus on my fellow thirtiers, this really goes for all women.
Because the “single” designation is such a source of anxiety as you get older, we oft find the need to justify our status. We have these little reasons that we tell ourselves we’re alone to make us feel better. And its time for it to stop. If I hear one more woman say that men are intimidated by their success and/or independence I’m gonna scream. I call this the Intimidation Doctrine. Other than Iraq having WMD, this is one of the biggest lies of our time.
When a woman is attractive, educated, financially independent and generally successful and STILL single, many of us start to believe that our success is part of the problem. When relationships don’t work out, we automatically go into the “well, he’s just intimidated by my success” routine. And its time for us to get real with ourselves.
We have to stop making excuses for our failed relationships. Too often these excuses lay all the blame on someone else. As long as we believe that most men are intimidated by strong successful women, we fail to look at ourselves for the reasons we cannot maintain successful relationships. The Intimidation Doctrine keeps us looking outward for fault. It relinquishes us of all responsibility. And I think its holding us back.
I must admit, I have never been a follower of the Initimidation Doctrine because I KNOW I’m fucked up and have issues. (I know I can be selfish, spoiled, obnoxious and a total smart ass, but I’m working on it) However, I see too many of my fellow mature sisters relying on this theory and I think its destructive. We must start to consider what role we have in cultivating our personal relationships and stop placing the blame on everyone else but ourselves.
Maybe its not because you’re successful but perhaps because you wear your success on your sleeve, because you’re arrogant, because you are sure to let a man know in the first conversation that you don’t NEED him or anyone else.
Maybe its not because you’re successful, but perhaps because you are arrogant, a know-it-all, a snob or intolerant of others who have taken a different path in life.
Maybe its not because you’re successful, maybe you are a cold bitter bitch who believes the world owes you something. You have worked hard and made it on your own without the help of any man so you don’t want a man thinking he is doing you any favors by his presence and you let him know this as often as possible.
Maybe its not because you’re successful, maybe you have turned into a hardened, disenchanted, cynic who is annoyed that fat broke women with two kids can get a man easier than you. And your anger oozes from your pores.
Maybe its not because you are successful, but because your success is all you have. You wield it like a sword. You are always looking and waiting for the fight so you can show just how fly you are and how a man should be happy just to have someone like you. You feel you are the only prize in this relationship.
Maybe its not because you’re successful but because you are just tired. Tired of dating, tired of it not working out, tired of the game. Because you’re so tired, you go into potential relationships with little enthusiasm or excitement and you’re just a general drag.
Maybe its not because you are successful but because you are afraid. Afraid to open up, afraid to be vulnerable again, afraid to lay it all out there. You use your success as a shield that you hide behind because you are afraid of being hurt, afraid of change, afraid of letting someone else into your tightly-controlled life. You play the role of successful bad-ass because you are afraid of just being a woman. Sometimes its hard to switch from being the boss all day to being a partner, a friend. Understandable. But still your issue.
Maybe its not because you are successful but because you are closed. Closed to real love because of any combination of the reasons above.
Sometimes men aren’t intimidated by your success, but turned off by what your success has done to you. The type of person it has made you.
We can’t improve ourselves if we keep blaming our failures on others. When you look at your lack of luck in the romance department first look, inward. Listen to the feedback you’ve gotten, those things you ignored because you thought the guy was just jealous of your success and wanted to cut you down because you made him feel insecure. Just maybe he was telling the truth. Maybe he wasn’t intimidated at all. Maybe you are a mean, intolerable arrogant bitch of a woman. It could be that simple.
Now will you meet men who will be insecure with your accomplishments? Maybe. But far fewer than you make yourself believe. Stop relying on the Intimidation Doctrine to explain away your lack of love life. Start listening and start looking inward at what issues you may be bringing to the table, ways you could possibly be a better partner, lover or friend.
Open your heart and your mind to whoever may come your way. Focus on what you both are bringing to each other’s lives. Its not a competition. Try being the type of person you are looking for. Recognize and appreciate what others have to offer and know that if you are the best person you can be, you cant lose.
By no means am I saying settle for less. Keep your standards high, go after the type of life and partner you want. Just make sure your high standards apply to you too.
So let’s put away the Intimidation Doctrine. Much like “hating” its become a term we use to dismiss criticism by just placing the focus on someone else. And just like “hating” it results in us missing the opportunity to learn and improve our lives.
So next time things don’t work out, don’t go to ole reliable “he’s just intimidated by me,” and really examine your role in what went down. You may be surprised, maybe he wasn’t intimidated by you. Maybe he just doesn’t like you.
Now enough of that, Ive got a bottle of wine to finish and a Golden Girls marathon is starting…
Peace people.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Let the Church say “Hell No” (for Dark Matter)
I just wanted to share with you something that happened in my city that I believe sheds light on one source of people’s dissatisfaction with the church and one of the reason that many urban churches are facing a wave of discontent and a general lack of regard. Now for all the holy rollers and Jesus freaks, you can stop reading now because I guarantee you, I am gonna piss you off.
Now, im not gonna talk about the latest bullshit Pastor and his helicopter or Bentley, 18 year old baby mama or Mega Church or Gucci wallpaper. We’ve all heard the stories, we’ve been there, we’ve seen that, we’ve sat in the pews and whispered to each other. But this is another category of disgust in an ever expanding litany of disgust-inducing behaviors by the Chuch. ( no typo)
It was a Sunday morning like any any other. The urban church show was in full swing. Mostly unaccompanied women and gay men trickled into the pews. The church’s favorite time-filler “Praise & Worship” went on at full volume. I usually try to get to church AFTER that damn Praise and Worship part. Its annoying and I never know if I’m supposed to be standing up. Anyway, service starts, blah blah blah. Turns out it’s the First lady’s birthday. So out comes offering plate #1 and everyone’s supposed to give an offering for her birthday. Unless she was born in the manger with Jesus, I don’t know why I should care. I don’t know her and she sure as hell didn’t get me shit for my birthday. But you let that ride.
So more church stuff, some singing, holy ghosting, touching your neighbor and what not. Now out comes offering plate #2, something called a Love Offering. Now a Love offering is something that no one is actually able to define. Even those within the church begin to stumble and stutter when asked what exactly is the purpose of a love offering. The best explanation Ive heard is that its an offering to show appreciation to the Pastor and his wife. Not Jesus, but the pastor and his wife. Chile… appreciate these.
OK, more wafer eating, grape juice drinking (coming off of a night of drinking, its so yummy!), more neighbor touching, singing and some announcements. Say it aint so, Offering plate #3. Now this is the “regular” offering. The offering that one is used to and expects. The one that sends your hard-earned money (that you have given out of guilt because you just couldn’t bear to pass that plate by without putting anything in it) into some locked office down some back steps you never go down.
Now here comes the big mama, the RUFKM moment. This church, going into hour 2 announces there will be another offering. Offering #4, will be an offering to help the church bring down its debt. Apparently they know that we all got wise to that fake ass building fund and they now talk about debt reduction. The Pastor had the unmitigated gall and colossal nerve to ask this church, whose members are generally middle and lower income urbanites, to give $1000 to help reduce the church’s debt burden. Altogether now, RUFKM?
Now this is the same church that did an altar call a little while back and asked all those who had a home that was in danger of foreclosure, to come to the front. Hundreds of worshippers went to the front of the church that morning. You know what he did for them? Prayed.
This is the same church who sits in the middle of an urban center whose unemployment rate tops 15%. What in the hell would Jesus do if he knew that his chosen ones were asking their flocks for $1000 in the midst of a recession? What would Jesus Do if he knew his Chosen ones were asking those who may be homeless in 30 days to help service the church’s debt? What would Jesus Do if he knew they were passing around an offering plate four times in communities they knew had few means to support their own families.
What happened to churches who were responsible and reacted to the needs of the communities instead of using us as an ATM? Instead of asking for $1000 to service your church’s debt, shouldn’t you be asking for money to start a fund to help keep people in their homes? The offering for the First Lady’s Birthday could have probably gotten 20 families current on their mortgages. Even my pagan ass would contribute to that. That cause is something I would happily put money into the plate for.
Just the insensitivity and lack of empathy with their supposed “flocks.” Aren’t the churches supposed to take care of us? Not the other way around. It isn’t our fault you went and built some mega church you could barely afford. We were all just fine in the old building.
Is there any wonder that the churches have become obsolete in the broader movement for social causes? We are facing the biggest crisis in a generation, we need more than some second hand clothes and new backpacks in September. Why cant you use the offerings that we make without fail, every Sunday, to help us in our time of need? It reminds me insurance companies, you pay and pay and pay into it and then when you really need something – they don’t want to give you anything.
Churches are about service, not self-serving. We must get away from the Church version of American Idol, where every church wants star status. Where every Pastor longs for gators, a long ass suit jacket, and a TV show. Somewhere along the way we forgot about the real mission of the church which was service to humanity. One’s relationship with their church shouldn’t be one-way. There should be a symbiotic relationship where the church supports the community and the community supports the church. However, too many churches take take take and then drive back to their Mc Mansions in the suburbs, leaving the flock to fend for ourselves.
Have they become so disconnected from the communities they “serve” that they would really believe that asking for four offerings in a service is acceptable? Do they really think that asking a lower income congregation to donate $1000 to service the church’s debt is Christ-like? Have they become so out of touch and so used to free money that they’ve forgotten that it’s a GOD-damned recession? I sure hope not. I want you to touch your neighbor and say, shame on you.
Now I’m not condemning all churches – I’m sure there are churches out there that are filling necessary voids in social services and providing support to needy families who are down on their luck. But to the rest of you churches who are just acting as leeches on a community who is already low on lifeblood, I hope you think about your true calling and I hope your congregations begin to hold you accountable for your lack of service to the very communities that support you.
And serving is not just offering Sunday school or watching people’s kids while they are in church. How are you gonna offer a potluck dinner for $12 a plate? And just where the hell is all the Bingo money going? Maybe we don’t need another bus trip to a casino. Give us something we really need like food, clothing, shelter or a mortgage payment.
As we brave an economic crisis that is hitting our communities hardest, this is exactly the time where the church should be taking a lead role in the providing of social services. This is a time when we need our churches more than ever and I implore you churches to get your acts together. You have the opportunity to be a lifeline in the storm for so many, and really, isn’t that what Jesus would do?
Peace people.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Finally, there is a man who makes men feel the exact way we women feel, about Beyonce.
Hear me out now…
Most women, including myself, feel (though some may not admit it—haters) that Beyonce is this sickeningly perfect example of womanhood and frankly we’re sick of it. She makes you shift in your seat whenever you have to watch her in the presence of your significant other. She can do no wrong– she’s beautiful and seems like a nice girl.
There are no naughty lesbian rumors about her or diva-bitch-stories we can use to make ourselves feel better. No weight problem, no drug addiction, no abusive ex-husband, no teen love baby. You scour every picture for flaws, nothing. She’s the woman you never want to be in the same room with, because as much as your man loves you he will not be able to resist the magnetic pull of his eyes toward her. Even the straightest of all women wanna fuck her. Ooops, or is that just me?
True story: I was with an ex-boyfriend of mine who once remarked while we were looking at some Beyonce video or commercial or the live concert or whatever and he actually remarked, “I bet she has some good pussy.” RUFKM? (I know this says more about my choice in men than it does about Beyonce, but you get the picture) We women seem doomed to co-exist with this perfect, talented, freak of nature who constantly reminds us of how inadequate we are.
But now we finally have company. Thanks to Barack Obama! Barack is a man’s Beyonce.
Now men finally know how it feels to always be measured against the exceptional. Barack is like Beyonce for men. The man who makes men shift uncomfortably in their seats when they have to watch their woman watch him. Ahhh..poetic justice. Barack Obama is this frighteningly perfect example of manhood. Handsome, wholesome, smart, elegant, eloquent. No pot belly, no random kids or baby mama’s, ivy league educated and down for his community. Forget Denzel or Michael Jordan or Idris Elba, it doesnt get much better than Barack Obama.
I was soooo fortunate to have the chance to attend the inauguration (it was AWESOME!!!) and I looked on with such glee as the presence of Beyonce, Jay-Z and Diddy in their VIP seats, was practically a non-event in the presence of Obama. This crew, who are basically black royalty, were practically ignored. Obama made me forget why Diddy and Jay-Z were even famous. Sure, a great rapper and a great marketer, but next to Obama? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Obama made the usually cooler than ice Jay-Z look like a straight herb with his big furry stupid hat. Get the hell outta here. It put two of our most prominent black men (unfortunately) in a completely different light. Like, why do we think they’re so great again?
Obama is the man that walks in and immediately sucks all the air out of the room. I don’t care how much you love your man, you will not be able to resist the magnetic force of your eyeballs roaming towards Mr. Obama if he’s nearby. Women want to be with him, men want to be him.
MEN, you finally now know how it feels to be a victim of an impossible standard. He has a perfect wife, perfect kids, a perfect life, sexy, a perfect life story and a perfect intellect. And best of all, he doesn’t need ass or lip shots to make the point.
I’m not trying to be mean or God forbid commit the cardinal sin of “hating,” but lets be honest, if you had to pick one of them to have an intellectual conversation with, based on the interviews I’ve seen, she’s a sweet girl but it probably wont be Beyonce (did she even graduate from high school?). On the other hand, Obama can read the phone book and we’re all transfixed. A Harvard Law grad, he’ll be considered sexy and distinguished when he’s old and grey, long after Beyonce has come and gone in that limited window of sexiness that all female pop stars are slaves to.
So join the club men, welcome to the world of unachievable expectations. Because no matter how fabulous you think you are, how smart you consider yourself to be, or how talented you consider yourself, lets face it—there’s only one Beyonce and now (Thank you Lawdie), there’s only one Barack.
***Disclaimer: please don’t respond with a bunch of deep shit about self-esteem or self-hatred or some other psycho-babble, its not that deep. I’m a huge Beyonce fan and I actually have great self-esteem but that woman STILL makes me feel like Quasimoto. This is a light-hearted post—I just couldn’t resist the comparison. Sure, this is a petty post that aims to make men feel as bad about themselves as Beyonce makes us all feel, but who cares! I just had to get that off my chest. YES we can!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
** In honor of this year’s premiere of American Idol, I am revising a post from a year ago because lets face it, nothing’s changed.
Some would look at American Idol and think it was the living and breathing personification of the American dream. Nobodies getting a chance to be international superstars. A once in a lifetime chance at fame and fortune. Only in America! But somehow I don’t see it as a great testimony to hope and the American dream. In my eyes, it shows just how hope-less so many of us have become.
Celebrity is our new religion. You don’t want to be the best, or the smartest or the most honest or the person who worked the hardest. You just want to be the most famous. However you get there, its fame that counts now. Those poor schmucks just want a chance to be somebody, anybody. And America has taught us that celebrity is the only thing that really counts. The only time YOU count.
Its no wonder that so many of those young people break down in tears because to them, they missed their chance. Not their chance to be on a TV show, but a chance to be somebody, for once in their lives. Our obsession with celebrity and money has made us all feel inadequate in our daily lives. Compared to the lives of Beyonce and Paris Hilton and Puffy and Jay-Z, it would seem that our lives totally suck.
Whereas a generation ago, men and women were happy if they achieved more than their parents. If they got to college or got a good job and had a family. That was success to them. Now, we deem ourselves failures if we’re not millionaires by thirty. We are lost in what we see, what we don’t have, what we’re not. We don’t feel like somebody in our personal lives, so we go audition for American Idol hoping someone will deem us worthy. Will make us feel as if we matter. Famous people matter so we want to be them. By any means necessary.
If there was any doubt that the hope of overnight celebrity has indeed overshadowed the hope of achieving something substantive in life, then American Idol is it. Is there such a void of hope in this country that American Idol has replaced Jesus as savior to the downtrodden ? I mean lets face it, Jesus wont get you on the cover of People.
Those poor people who cry. You wonder why they are crying. I bet its not only because they didn’t move through to the next round. For some of them, this is all they believe they can do. No one has told them that they are smart and beautiful and have something unique to offer the world. If you ask 20 elementary school students what they want to be when they grow up, the standard doctor-lawyer answer that has been around for a generation, has been replaced by entertainer-athlete. And it scares the shit out of me.
As Barack Obama brings a message of hope, I cant help but watch American Idol and lament that this is the extent of hope for so many. We have lost those dreams of peace on earth and good will to men. Of family, of achievement, of community, ending world hunger. To hell with all that. We just want to go to Hollywood.
Peace people.
Monday, December 8, 2008
OK, I wanted to wait until everyone’s Obama high wore off before I dare write this and I know I’m risking the ire of every negro in the land and the motherland but I have something to say and, frankly, me pissing everyone off is really nothing new.
It all started with the coverage of the 2008 Presidential Election Day. You saw countless interviews with members of the African-American community standing in lines across the country speaking on how proud they were to have a chance to vote for the first Black president. Now don’t get me wrong, even I teared up as I cast my ballot for Obama but as I watch interviews throughout the day, something started to bother me. I began to notice how many times I heard African-Americans saying things like “I haven’t voted in 15 years but I’m inspired to vote for Obama” or “I’ve never voted before but I’m here to vote for Obama.”
There were so many black folks saying that they never thought about voting until Obama’s candidacy. So many black folks saying how they never felt it was important until now or that Obama made them believe in the political process again. Now as inspirational as Obama’s candidacy is, I still couldn’t help but bristle a bit at the number of folks who never attached any importance to voting until Obama came along. Why did it take a black presidential candidate to make black people interested in presidential politics? A community whose parents and grandparents died for the right to vote somehow felt content staying home, until a black man ran for president. RUFKM? (r u fucking kidding me?)
But wait there’s more….
Now, after Obama was elected, I am suddenly hearing and seeing all these interviews that speak of how there is a new image of the black male. That black men are going to start pulling their pants up and gaining some pride in their image because of Obama. How educated is the new cool and success will no longer be measured in bling and bitches. I heard an interview on Michel Martins “Tel Me More “ on NPR where she spoke to moms who were so happy that their sons now had a role model other than rappers an athletes. Forget their actual dads, they now had Obama. There was suddenly a new quest for excellence in the black community and Obama was leading the parade.
We also heard about how this may be a new age in the black family. The black family may make a comeback because of the Obamas. We now had a real life Cosby Show to look to now for examples of a successful nuclear family. It’s a brand new day in the black community!
Is it me or is this a little scary? Our community wasn’t inspired by our children getting gun downed in the streets. Our community didn’t get inspired by a 50% drop out rate. Our community wasn’t inspired hearing that only 25% of registered black voters voted in that crucial 2000 Florida election where we could have single-handedly changed the results of the election. Our community wasn’t inspired by our wedlock rate and the lack of black marriage. Our community wasn’t inspired by the cultural pathos that runs rampant in our streets everyday. We weren’t inspired by the pathetic condition of our inner cities and the lack of morality bred in our children. We weren’t inspired by the fact that most black children grow up without a father in the home. We weren’t inspired by the fact that so many black children place no value in education choosing instead to seek out the models of success as taught to them by hip hop. We weren’t inspired by an underlying adversarial relationship between our men and women.
But let me get this straight. A black man runs for President and wins and all of a sudden we’re inspired and want to get our shit together? Doesn’t that scare you just a little bit? It lends credence to the notion that without a magical negro leader, black folks are lost. And sure, I’m a little torn. Im conflicted about even saying this out loud, but I something just sticks on my proverbial craw about Obama inspiring us to do things that even witnessing children dying on our streets before our eyes couldn’t do. Are we that desperate for a savior? We don’t give two squirts of duck shit about doing better until Obama wins? Huh?
Our communities have been floundering and flailing about for a decade, why does it take one man to convince us we have the ability to act on our own behalf for positive change in our own communities? Why does Obama suddenly make us care? Why do we always seem to depend on someone else to give us value? Do we not think we’re important enough? Is it the long rumored America-inspired self-hatred where we inherently feel that we are not worthy without the validation of others? Obama has now given us value so we can feel good again? We can be suddenly be inspired again to do better in our lives? We now have permission.
I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong, anything that achieves forward progress and make folks want to do better is alright with me. But the notion that has to be attached to a person or a movement and not something that is an eternal fire in our bellies bothers me. For centuries we have relied on a collective quest to overcome. A collective notion of success and equality. We were our brothers keepers and we kept our eyes on the prize. But now, we seem insecure in our own journey toward self-actualization. Our communities are so misdirected and disjointed and without structure that we are totally lost without someone ramming a direction or message or slogan or t-shirt motto down our throats.
We seem to thirst for leadership. We want so desperately for someone to validate what we know already. That we are smart, powerful people with the power to achieve anything. That we are survivors and the strongest of the strong capable of succeeding in spite of any challenge. But without someone telling us and showing us, we just don’t quite believe it. We want to believe it , and in our quiet moments or as we shout in church we tell ourselves that we are great and that God is good. Then we leave and go back to our every man for himself lives, clumsily navigating the duality DuBoise spoke of. Never really succeeding at either. Never knowing what to believe or what to do. Until someone shows us.
I don’t know. Maybe its just me. Maybe Im just feeling ornery or PMS’ing but something really annoys me about so many people in our communities never bothering to give a damn about their condition until Obama became president. Don’t get me wrong, I cream for Obama with the rest of them but I’ve also voted in every election since I was 18, volunteered in my community, worked in legal services and generally tried to make my community a better place without a magical negro telling me to.
But I never look a gift horse in the mouth, I cant be mad at anything that inspires folk to do better. Even if it is a magical negro. I’ll just sit back and enjoy the next four or maybe eight years. And when he’s out of office, God help us. Again.
Monday, November 17, 2008
ok i’m over my Obama high. now back to business.
A while back, I was watching that show “I Want to Work for Diddy” when I made an observation about the contestants.
OK, OK maybe its just me but before I go any further, I feel the need to explain exactly why I was watching I want To Work For Diddy. Its almost like Housewives. You know those shows that you like to watch so you can just complain how bad they are? Its like the Maury paternity shows—you watch and shake your head in disgust, but you watch. Plus it gives me great material to write about. BUT I can only get through a few episodes of these shows before I lose interest and it becomes too bad, even for me.
Anyway, much like the beginning of every reality show that involves trying to get a job with some celebrity, the show begins with the various candidates explaining why they want to work for Diddy. One guy said that from the time he was a child he knew he wanted to be rich. He didn’t know how he was going to do it, but he wanted to be rich. And everyone’s aspirations were similar in that regard. They wanted to be successful, working for Diddy would open doors for them, or they wanted to be in the entertainment business and this was a way to do it. Sure, these reasons sound very benign on the surface but upon closer examination it reveals a major flaw that has developed in the American Dream.
None of the candidates had a particular CAREER they were interested in. None of them had a position that they had their eye on. None of them had been working since an early age towards a specific goal. They didnt see this show as a stepping stone on a path towards their aspirations. The show WAS their aspiration.
These folks saw this show as a “shortcut” on the road to success. We live in this American Idol paradigm of success. Forget interning, working for free and doing grunt work. Forget working hard, setting goals and planning out a path for your life. We’ve reduced success to “a big break.” That one thing that comes along and changes everything.
I hear so many young people who, when asked what they want to do with their lives, respond “I want to be in the entertainment business.” What exactly does that mean? “I want to be a mogul and own a lot of companies.” “I want to be rich.” Yet, when pressed about specifics, they really have no clue as to what they want or how they propose to get it.
Being a multi-media mogul is a fantastic goal however, regardless of what it may seem like on TV, it just doesn’t happen. You don’t win it on a show. You don’t stumble upon it. It doesn’t happen by accident. So many of our younger generation seems to think that success is just something that just happens to them. The result of a lucky alignment of the stars. Any moment something will happen hat changes everything. And for that reason, so many young people grow up with dreams but no plan.
You never hear someone say, I plan to go to college, get an MBA and then start my own company managing talent. THAT’S a goal, that’s a career, that’s a plan.
Even if you want to be a barber or stylist and open up a shop, get a business plan, learn something about the biz you are going into before you open a shop or store. Whether its a hair salon, clothing store, or restaurant, Im so tired of seeing small businesses open in the community only to clothes a few months later because no one knew what the hell they were doing. You know the restaurant that never has shit, the corner store that is always out of everything and the prices are twice the market average and the cleaners that open whenever they feel like it. And then want to complain about how noone supports your business. Maybe its because your business is some bullshit.
If you dont know what you’re doing, work with someone who does. Your cousin from the post office is not a business manager. Get a solid business plan, perfect your craft and take advice. Success never just happens.
I meet so many people who have no direction for their lives, no real goals, no real strategy. Its like many of us just wait for something to happen to us. Just like you cant just start a business and pray people patronize it, you cant just go through life thinking riches are going to fall out of the sky.
Now don’t get me wrong many of us aren’t quite sure what we want to do. I certainly took a long time finding myself and still don’t know if I’ve found me yet. However, I positioned myself so when I did finally decide what I wanted to do, I would be well prepared. Education is the key to excelling no matter what field you want to enter. And it doenst always have to be higher education. Having an apprenticeship, internship, continuing education class or simply a mentor can prepare you to enter a career with something more than dreams of success.
For example, although Im still waiting for Denzel Washington to sweep my off my feet, I still signed up for E-Harmony just in case. Get it?
You can’t work towards a goal if you don’t have one. We spend more time positioning ourselves for the sudden break, than we do getting educated, interning, learning the field, working hard and paying dues. Dues? This generation has no concept of dues. As much of an annoying narcissist as he is, Puffy paid his dues. He started as an intern and worked his way up, learning the business inside out on the way. As sickeningly perfect as Beyonce is, she had to bust her ass on the chitlin circuit and work extremely hard for a long time before she “made it”. All the while she is perfecting her craft. There was no American Idol to insure instant fame, there was no reality show to make stars out of thin air.
But we are so inundated with this Soulja Boy, reality TV, American Idol paradigm of success that we forget how most of the people at the very top really got there. By knowing what they wanted and working their asses off to get it.
So the next time you hear that dreaded phrase, “I want to be in the entertainment industry” ask what that means? Do you want to be a costume designer, actress, make up artist, director of photography, stylist, set designer, agent, A & R or what? Next time you hear “I want to be a mogul.” Ask, well what does hat mean exactly and what are you doing to train yourself to enter the business world? Next time you hear “I just want to be rich.” Ask, how do you plan on getting rich and what steps are you taking toward that plan? Being on “Cribs” is not a career plan, designing them is. You cant work towards a goal if you don’t have one.
Only when you identify a field, positon, career you are interested in, can you start to design and implement a plan for your life. There’s nothing wrong with dreaming. But dreams coupled with inaction virtually guarantees that your dreams will remain just that. Dreams.
And when all you have are dreams and no plan, you begin to do things to substitute for those dreams coming true. Like buying a house you cant afford, like racking up credit card debt. If you haven’t realized all those dreams you’ve had, at least you can look like you have. A big house and fancy cars should not be goals, they should be the result of you having reached your goals.
So lets challenge each other to dream big, but also plan big and act big. Although the media makes us think that success is easy, that its something that just falls out of the sky, nothing can be further from the truth. Whatever stage of life you are in, you should always have a plan for success. And in this global age it is more important than ever that we encourage our young people to have a plans and goals for their careers. Even if they change 10 times, at least they are making forward progress and not just mired in a bunch of useless dreams of big cars and big houses and fancy clothes. As so many of those with bad ARM loans know, a house can be taken from you. Education and skills and a plan for success are forever.
What happens to a dream deferred? I don’t know and I’m not trying to find out.
Peace people.
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